Vanish! X-Zone

To Write "ATTENTION WHORE" on Her Arms.

2009-07-19T22:06:00.005-07:00

Pretty much sums it all up.

"Regardless of the subject, people should not assume they know why other people do things. Cutting is a particularly hard subject because so many kinds of people do it for so many different reasons. When you try to cookie-cutter stereotype ANYONE, they're going to take offense, whether you're talking about volleyball players, alcoholics, cutters, missionaries, you name it. Just boils down to being annoyed by ignorant assholes."
-Some fat bitch from Facebook trying to sound deep and meaningful while at the same time inadvertently being a hypocrite by stereotyping people who form stereotypes.

If there's one thing this blog of mine should make evident, it's a major pet peeve of mine: I tend to hate when people expect me to take ridiculous bullshit seriously.

Today's example of that: Cutting.

For the uneducated, "cutting" is a SERIOUS CONDITION that involves taking a razorblade or other sharp object, and jamming it into your fuckin' arm, because you're depressed. But don't call it suicide! You see, "cutters," as they like to be called (I could be wrong, I'm just taking a stab that they prefer that over what I like to call them: "Fucking lame.") (Oh did you see what I just did there? I said "taking a stab." How can you not love my clever wordplay??) only hurt themselves, to deal with the WORSE PAIN in their lives, such as being dumped, mom and dad breaking up, or their younger sister stealing their eye shadow all of the time. The cutting releases endorphins, which helps with worse pain. Now, in most cases, the "worse pain" these endorphins help with would be things like somebody having been shot, or that miserable season of House where nobody would let Dr. House have any of his pain meds, so he was a major asshole the entire season and started cutting himself to deal with both the effects of detox and his muscle pain. Apparently, endorphins also help deal with the Warehouse not carrying the newest Dresden Dolls CD.

Cutting is the teenaged version of holding your breath and stomping your feet on the ground when you can't have your way. I originally typed "the grown-up version" except most adults cease with this SERIOUS CONDITION as soon as they realize it's hard to apply for a job with "(PREVIOUS EX-BOYFRIEND) = HATE" carved into their arms. This doesn't stop them, however, from associating themselves with cutting. You see, this SERIOUS CONDITION persists through life. So even though they're not cutting any longer, hearing about it or seeing pictures of it can cause a risk of relapse. Or something. Basically, cutters act as if they're on the same level as drug-addicts.

And this is why I can't stand cutters. They're another breed of people who have a self-inflicted problem that they'd rather embrace and flaunt than actually get real professional help for. They get defensive about it if you say that, though, because all cutters are supposedly different and do it for different reasons. Never mind that every time I've heard a cutter open her gaping maw to blather on about why they do it, it's always some word variation of "IT HELPS ME COPE WITH THE REAL PAIN." Then they go on some ten minute strawman argument about how misunderstood cutters are because everybody makes fun of them for being "suicidal" and they're "REALLY NOT!! PEOPLE JUST DON'T UNDERSTAND SO THEY JUDGE US." Nobody with a brain thinks cutters are suicidal, for two reasons:
A.) We know that the kind of people who cut themselves to deal with their life problems are too big of pussies to actually go through with the real deal, and...
B.) Because they won't shut the fuck up about why they cut themselves long enough for any of us to even BEGIN to form the thought process that maybe they're trying to kill themselves. We GET IT. You're IN PAIN AND IRONIC.
What also gets me about the whole "IT HELPS ME COPE" bullshit is the pretentious attitude behind it. Apparently their problems must be WORSE than the non-cutters problems, because they have to cut to deal with it. Obviously, we don't understand them, so there's some really deep-seated shit going on, and we won't ever hear a cutter say something along the lines of "Well, my problems are just as mundane and ordinary as anybody else's, but I'm weaker than other people so I now have an endorphin addiction" because as we all know, admittance is the first step towards recovery... and really, if any of these kids are smart enough to admit they have a problem, we wouldn't have communities full of sliced-open wrist icons on LJ. We fail to see the cutters side of things, but really, they fail to see the big picture: That everybody has issues and we all have to deal with it. Cutters are selfish.

I say cutters are selfish because, in spite of how unloved they feel or act like, they're usually surrounded by people who get upset every time it happens and shower them with attention and sympathy. I'd say that this is precisely why most cutters do this, but I'm already about two sentences away from having my apartment nailed shut with pictures of 15 year old girls' forearms carved with "U DNT UNDRSTND OMG" on them (and you have to abbreviate the words like that because your arm is only so long, and hell, cutting words into your flesh kind of hurts.) I had a friend once, who used to do this shit. Now, this is a while back, probably after I had this delusion that being nice to girls gets you laid, and before I cut my heart out, locked it in a chest and tossed it into the ocean during the ship-fight part of the Pirates of the Caribbean ride in Disney World. So she gets all butt-hurt about a break-up or whatever, and cuts herself. I go into class the next day and beg her to never do this again, I was so worried, etc. etc. etc. All she could do was, without even making a change in facial expression, say "I can't make any guarantees."
This is sort of like getting somebody a greeting card and them showing their appreciation by shoving a dead squirrel in your mailbox. Now, obviously girls like her have problems. One of those problems happens to be that they're selfish. This is precisely why I can't watch Intervention; they show strung out cokeheads and heroin addicts getting sat down by their family and tearfully told they need help. Some of the addicts start crying and accept the help, others are so fucked up they rage all over the place and storm out. People like that have serious problems. Then every now and then, Intervention shows us somebody like a bullemic, who throws a tantrum because their family wants them to stop throwing up in plastic bags and fucking up the carpet every day. I can't deal with that, much like I can't deal with harboring respect for somebody who thinks it's okay to tell their family "No, I'm not going to stop cutting myself. Enjoy the ER bill, whores."

While it may be true that not all cutters do it solely for the attention - and that some may actually be ANNOYED by the attention it gives them (though not annoyed enough to actually cease the action that causes the attention they hate) - the truth of the matter is, you'll never encounter a cutter who ADMITS they're doing it for attention. Furthermore, those who actually do it for the attention, who's to say they aren't developing an addiction that the "real" cutters have? So the line is blurred between attention-seekers and the even bigger morons, and we have this UNFAIR STEREOTYPE on our hands.

So the cutters of the world united to bring attention to this SERIOUS CONDITION of theirs, in the form of "To Write Love on Her Arms." When I first heard of this site, I thought it was the title of some 16 year old's MySpace page. When I checked it out and saw that there was an absence of black-red-and-white line art depicting hearts, x's and mopey-looking girls in Alice dresses, I thought, hell, this is a nice organization with good intentions and just a shittily unfortunate name. Good for them. Then I noticed that an organization like this will at worst, give the cutters more propaganda to litter their LJ's with to show off their awesome way of life, and at best will just give the recovering-cutters and the friends-of-cutters something else to absorb attention with.

The site also has a lot of great comments, such as this:

"thank you so much for this beautiful introduction. TWLOHA is such a great organization and has brought my daughter, [...] so much hope. She has stopped cutting, and now writes LOVE on her arm with a permanent marker --- she also takes that marker to school to see how many of her friends will let her write LOVE on their arms. She recently emailed a word collage to the organization and got some great feedback. She is a beautiful, smart, and talented 13-year-old who expresses her pain and her joy through writing almost on a daily basis. I don't know what kinds of things you need for your research project, but I'm sure that [my daughter] would be more than happy to share some of her writing with you. Thanks for being part of such a fabulous group and for spreading a message of hope."

Yeah, you're welcome, you dopey bitch! I think you forgot the part about how you failed as a parent because your 13 year old daughter is already so miserable she's mutilating herself, and instead of getting her proper treatment, you've given her a permanent marker and yet another reason to get picked on going into high school. Seriously, 13??? That's like, seventh or eighth grade for fuck's sake. How bad of a home can a girl grow up in that she's already this depressed in middle school? What kind of a writer creates a WORD COLLAGE, anyway? That's like something kids make when they're neither artistic enough to do real artwork, and too talentless and unskilled to actually write a real paper. Hell, I may be a conceited piece of shit, but at least I'm not pasting words onto a piece of oak tag. I just talk out of my ass in fragmented sentences on a public blog. Wait until this chick's daughter goes into high school, and starts having "real" problems. Way to fail, mom.

Honestly, group therapy for a bunch of these kids sounds like a great idea on paper. Give the attention whores a way to all whore their attention around with each other, and eventually they may start to fit in and get better - even if they don't stop being fucking annoying. Either that, or it spawns more online communities full of tutorials on where else on your body you can cut so mom won't catch it. Glorifying what a big problem this is only encourages kids to use cutting to identify themselves even more, even if they aren't doing it currently.

The best way to deal with this problem, I hate to suggest, is to just ignore it. No, I'm not saying let your daughter bleed to death all over the kitchen floor. Hell, they're not even trying to kill themselves, right? Let them scar themselves, stop crying about it, stop trying to stage interventions or plastering your girl-friends' lockers with pictures of you all grinning cheesily in a heart-shaped picture frame with BFF's in glittery letters, stop providing positive reinforcement and at the very most, provide negative. If all they're doing is cutting themselves, let them dig that hole to the point where they now have to move onto the next stage in life with a bunch of ghastly marks all over their arms to remind them of what stupid dipshits they've been all these years. Let them realize that all cutting does is make them look stupid and maybe when they mature and realize how much respect they AREN'T getting for doing it, and what's happened to them now, they won't raise their children into a new generation of bastard fucking brats who feel expressing their pain through self-mutilation is normal and cool.

The second best way (arguably) to deal with this problem: Beat the shit out of your kids more. We have enough unloved teenagers punishing themselves to fill a third-world country, maybe if you start punishing them early on, they'll get this "I HAVE TO FEEL PAIN TO GET PEOPLE TO LOVE ME" complex out of their skulls.

Telling me I don't understand, that I'm stereotyping, that I'm wrong about cutters, etc. is all incorrect. This is because I harbor a very simple opinion about cutters, which doesn't delve too deep into any specific stereotype or thought pattern. My opinion is that cutters, no matter what their reasoning or damage is, are fucking lame. To disagree with me is to say that self-mutilation is perfectly fine.

Legalized Weed is Overrated.

2009-04-09T08:04:00.002-07:00

My mom called me at 7:30 this morning to talk about three things: Kutner dying on House, my sister not returning her calls, and legalized marijuana.

I don't know why this was important enough to wake me up for, but it led to yet another heated debate on the importance of legalized pot in America. The debate, thankfully, wasn't as hot-under-the-collar as previous ones, mainly due to my loosened attitude towards marijuana (I still think it's stupid, I just don't care nearly as much. Mainly because I realized being strictly anti-drugs doesn't get me laid.) Nonetheless, I still stuck to my guns and was met by several irrelevant strawman arguments by my aging hippy birthgiver, a la "YES BUT DOCTOR'S DISCOVERED THAT NOBODY DIED OF CANCER FROM SMOKING MARIJUANA, WHEREAS CIGARETTES..." style.

Here's my stance: I do think pot should be decriminalized. Nobody should go to jail just for personal consumption of a drug that is all but harmless. I do not think that if marijuana is legalized that the US is going to go to hell in a handcart (THAT ALREADY HAPPENED WHEN THE BUSH FAMILY EVIL EMPIRE SENT OUR SONS AND DAUGHTERS TO DIE IN A WAR FOR OIL. REMEMBER VIETNAM!!!12@) This all being said, I do think that if pot is legalized, things aren't going to be NEARLY as "chill" as the stoners say it will be. If anything, things will become worse... if only marginally.

Here are just some of the arguments behind why pot should be legalized, followed by my rebuttals:

If marijuana were legalized, it would be "safer" to smoke it.

If you're reading this, and you smoke pot, notice something: You're able to smoke pot. It's illegal, and yet there's a bong on your lips more often than there's semen on Octomom's (vaginal) lips. Want to know why this is? It's because nobody cares that pot is illegal. You can go to jail for selling drugs, (as I'm reminded countless times by potheads about how people are GETTING PUT IN JAIL WITH MURDERERS AND RAPISTS JUST FOR GETTING HIGH!!2 even though that's not exactly how it works,) and yet it doesn't stop anybody from growing for personal use, distribution or profit. People traffick weed across the border daily. The war of drugs is pointless, remember? It's going to happen, so legalization (that is, beyond merely decriminalizing weed) isn't going to make people feel safer using it, it's just going to make it that much more available.

What I'm getting at is, people are going to distribute pot no matter what the consequences, either for profit or to prove some sort of point. So what about the shit that gets laced? What about the people who end up in the hospital because they just smoked a shit-ton of angel dust or whatever? That'll stop, because marijuana's legal... right??

Wrong. First of all, there are two fictional scenario where legalized pot would fit into: One where you're free to grow and distribute your pot to all the shiny happy people holding hands however you want, and the more likely scenario where the government places strict regulations and puts their hand in the entire operation. Assuming the government's heart grows two sizes large that day (because you beatniks all trust the government now, right?) and just gives the green light to freedom of growth and distribution of marijuana, how exactly is that going to stop issues of lacing, poisonous insecticides, inferior product, etc? If something is legal, it's going to - at least in the US - be distributed more. So the health risks behind getting high off of somebody's "really good shit" that you aren't 100% sure of, do not lessen. If nothing else, they grow.

Now, let's visit the other scenario - government regulation. The government is going to take care of us! They're going to impose strict laws about how pot is grown, what is used to fertilize it, keep it safe from bugs, prepare it and whatever else. They'll be keeping an eye on what is added to it, if anything, and who distributes it. They will also tax the shit out of it.

Safer weed, right? Well, perhaps. For all the people jumping on the "pot isn't bad, after all, look, it's legal!" bandwagon, going to the store to pick up a pack of Marlboro Panama Reds might keep them safe from randomly having a heart attack and dying. For many, I assume, the idea of buying processed marijuana cigarettes from the grocery store is going to grow old after the initial humor of it all. We're already buying tobacco cigarettes, and the government sure is doing a good job keeping those safe for consumption, aren't they! They're loaded with tar, fiberglass, embalming fluid and whatever nasty shit those pretentious "Truth" commercials tried to jam into our heads. Where's the government regulation there? Potheads can go on for days about this wonderful utopian dream where we can buy our weed at the store, and it'll be freely available to all, and it'll be fresh and organic and 100% pure, and the ingredients will be listed right on the packaging, and it'll just say "INGREDIENTS: NOTHIN' BUT THA CHIBA, MON!" and there will be much rejoicing. Finally, seedy smoke shops can list their smoking devices as "bongs" instead of "water pipes," everybody will be chill and complacent and war will end! Then we come into the theoretical reality of it: Companies producing the marijuana for legal consumption will cut the product down to save money, and add fillers to it - as they do with tobacco - to make it even more addicting. Yeah, sure, a psychological addiction is good enough, right? Except not everybody likes to abuse marijuana, and they especially won't if you're selling them shitty, watered down pot. So make up for the lack of quality with an abundance of addictive chemicals. The government won't care, because they are, after all, taxing it.

Legalize weed, and watch as the tobacco companies try to jump all over the new market it's creating, and then watch as the argument "Marijuana doesn't cause lung cancer" becomes null and void. Then watch as stoners get fed up with the watered-down poison available at the store, and turn back to trying to grow their own or buy from dealers, and we're right back to square A. Oh, you think it'll be legal to grow and distribute your own? Of course not, it's regulated, remember? Suddenly, the pot crowd are criminals again. Oops.

If pot was legalized, the crime rate would drop!

Of course it would, you morons! If you take a crime, and make it not a crime, suddenly everybody who was committing said crime would no longer be committing a crime! It's genius! Unfortunately for this argument, decriminalizing weed would also have the same effect, and I already said I support decriminalization because I pay enough taxes so stoners can buy their groceries with food stamps while using their Subway paychecks to buy pot; I don't need to pay taxes to give them three square meals a day in jail.

There is, of course, the problem concerning the crimes surrounding drug dealing. First of all, if there's any possible way to stop pot dealers from dealing pot, worse comes to worse they just move on to another drug to traffick. Obviously, the average college student with the hydroponics in his closet might not do that, but those kind of dealers aren't the problem, here. The problem lies in the drug circles, with their "territory" and their gang wars over all that kind of shit. Legalizing pot would end all of that, right? They'd admit defeat, pack up shop, and leave each other alone. They'd stop hussling people for money, transporting shit across the border, killing each other and whatnot.

... or they would, as I said, move on to another drug. Chances are, if they want to stick to pot, they'd just offer something superior to what I can buy at Walmart. Maybe stronger weed (what? Did you think the stuff at the store would get you really fucked up? Really?) or weed laced with stuff, either way, they'd find a better way to keep their market going. We'd be back where we started.

If it was legal to farm marijuana for mass production purposes, it would create more jobs.

Right. Because all of the other farming industries currently available in our country already take pride in hiring and providing decent wages to legal citizens. Mexicans love their weed; open a market in the US that involves farming the stuff, and watch the surge of illegal migrants grow.

But the government would tax marijuana! And more money is good, right?

Since when are people - the stoner crowd, no less - happy about the government taking money from us? Okay, maybe I'm being unfair with the generalizations, but seriously, I'm on board with something like this generating revenue. The problem is, there are too many downsides to this scenario, and I doubt the revenue will offset it when the likelihood of stoners start rejecting the legal shit in favor of their less-than-legal methods of acquisition.

From a moral perspective, making money off of getting people high and/or killing them slowly is just... well, immoral. If you care about this aspect of the issue, then the argument of taxes should certainly be one for the opposition of legalization.

Marijuana isn't addictive. Cigarettes are.

People who make this argument fail to mention the psychological addiction behind marijuana - the same type of mental process behind alcoholism. That's right, there's no physical addiction behind alcohol either.

I believe I already made it clear that if marijuana is legalized to the point where it can be sold in stores, there will eventually be a line of pot-cigarettes that are just as legal as current cigarettes.

Oh, and speaking of alcohol, let's cut right to the chase...

Alcohol is far worse than marijuana!

First of all, if we're going based on my opinions alone, go ahead and make alcohol illegal again. I don't give a fuck. The more addicts I get to watch suffer, the happier my black, frost-encrusted heart gets to feel. Sadly, my chances of getting laid decline, but that's precisely why I purchased a fleshlight.

As I just said above, however, alcohol is just as addictive as marijuana in the sense that there is no physical addiction. And don't give me this tired "but alcoholism is hereditary. It's a DISEASE, Josh!!" bullshit, either. It has not been PROVEN that alcoholism is genetic, there is only supporting evidence... and even then, it's not exactly overwhelming evidence, either. One theory psychologists make behind alcoholism is that the act itself may not be hereditary, but rather the weakened coping mechanism behind it is. We can go right ahead and safely say alcoholism is hereditary, however, as people who can't cope tend to turn to addictions anyway, so who cares about the semantics behind it.

My point is, from an addiction perspective, alcohol and marijuana are on an equal footing. Yes, marijuana doesn't kill your liver and it supposedly doesn't fuck your driving up nearly as much (although it can be said there are some alcoholics who have built up such a tolerence that you can't even tell they're driving drunk.) So saying that marijuana should be legal because alcohol is legal is almost synonymous with saying "I'm okay with alcoholism." Am I putting words in peoples' mouths? Why, I suppose I am, but only because nobody wants to admit that they want to supplement one addiction by enabling another.

Marijuana isn't going to solve the problems surrounding alcohol in this country. Maybe at best, they may shift things around a bit. Many people who get high also get drunk. Many people who get drunk also get high. No, not all of them, I won't even say most of them, but a lot do. I guess they're different experiences or whatever. Don't look at me, I'm not trying to figure these people out. I will say that most people who would replace alcohol with marijuana already are doing just that. The others, the "it's legal so I guess I can do it" bandwagon, is another argument entirely.

Fans of legalization propose that drunk-driving accidents and fatalities would go down, as pot doesn't impair you like alcohol does (so clearly, the effects of the two different drugs aren't one and the same.) Well, much like alcohol, the effects of pot, as well as the tolerence, differ from person to person. Add in the factor of pot varieties and you have a number of situations where one driving stoned might as well be drunk. I know plenty of people who refuse to drive after getting high, because they know damn well it's a bad idea. I also know people who get drunk and get high - at the same time. I also know people who drive drunk. Cross all these factors together, include the factor of legalization and you're going to have a higher concentration of people too fucked up to drive, uh, driving anyway. At best, the rate of impaired driving isn't going to lower.

Let's now examine the "bandwagon" argument. There are most certainly people in this country who do not get high only because it is illegal; I've met a few of them. This means the ratio of people on drugs to people not on drugs will shift. We're told how much "safer" pot is than alcohol, so many of these newbies will think it's not that big of a deal. Driving after a joint won't make a difference, nor will going to work after smoking up. It's just pot, after all, and it can't be that bad for us if the government is legalizing it, so why not do it more often? Enough people destroy their own lives with alcohol, just like enough people destroy their lives by abusing pot. Legalizing weed might not bring the country to its knees, but it will increase the likelihood of more people depending on drugs to get through life.

Please excuse my bleeding heart for a moment, but I'm gonna play my violin here. Total legalization of pot will, at some point, lead to at least one person turning to getting high, and getting into a car. They will drive around like an asshole, get into an accident, and kill somebody. Now, that victim's family and friends are all torn up by this loss, there's a funeral, funeral expenses, therapy, wasted money on seyances and bullshit artists who think they can talk to the victim's ghost, and depending on who's involved, even further addictions drawn off of this loss. All because you fuckers have to have your weed legalized. The situation I made isn't the likeliest of scenarios. I'm not such an asshole that I'm gonna say these catastrophes are going to happen all over the place on a daily basis. It may only be a marginal increase of fatalities, but an increase is an increase... all so people can get high.

Sorry for sounding like a liberal there, it just seemed like a good point to make. Legalizing pot because alchol is legal is a fuckin' horrible attitude to have. If they switched shit around, criminalized alcohol (and cigarettes, might as well throw those in, too) and made pot legal, I could see the argument. But alchol isn't going anywhere.

People would be less violent if only they would just get high.

The hippies love to paint this picture for me, that if everybody would just smoke a joint, hold hands, sing shitty folk music and participate in free love, the world would be a better place. Well, it wasn't a better place in the 60's, because your bullshit way of life fails. Free love leads to herpes, folk music is fucking awful and led to all of these countless indie bands thinking they're artists because they can croon into a microphone and edit it improperly, holding hands transfers diseases when it's done between hippies who don't wash themselves, and smoking a joint? Let me tell you about a group of people who are big connoseurs of smokin' the reefer; they're called rap artists. Yeah, those people aren't violent or angry AT ALL.

I still don't get why some people want everybody to be high. It gives you the munchies, lowers your judgment and makes you act stupid, and also causes lethargy. Sure, some people become focused and come up with some incredibly creative shit, but all drugs can have some upsides to them. I know I could probably clean the shit out of my apartment if I was on meth, but it's still bad for me.

And no, I am not comparing pot to meth. I'm not an idiot. All I'm saying is, just because some people get shit done on drugs doesn't mean everybody is going to.

Any argument that begins with "But in Amsterdam..."

I don't give a fuck. We are not Amsterdam. We are not Canada. As much as I love and respect my country, we are a culture full of undisciplined ingrates, who for some reason just can't get along. Perhaps it's our "melting pot" mentality, of mixing many different people together, and shouting about how "free" we are in America might give people this sense of entitlement. Either way, what's good for some countries isn't necessarily good for us, because other countries are composed of different people.

In Japan, for instance, people have a much smaller sense of personal space, and will sit right next to you on the bus, rather than trying to make room. They also sell ultra-violent rape comics and used schoolgirl panties in vending machines. Guess what, their crime rate is also ultra-low. Canada has more lax gun rules, and their gun-related crime rate is lower than ours. In England, well, you can't even own a fuckin' gun in England. In Germany, prostitution is legal. See what I'm getting at, here? Countries are different.

As such, any time somebody tries to compare this country to Amsterdam, I call them an idiot. No, I don't care that there are fancy little pot-smoking coffee shops where you can look at a menu and pick out what you like, for whatever kind of high you want. That's fantastic. Teenagers can legally go bar-hopping in Italy, too. Let's lower the drinking age here, and see what happens. Think it's going to have a positive effect? People don't exactly get tired of alcohol as soon as they're done being 21. Yeah, some do, and some stick with it all their lives. Make it legal for American teenagers to get drunk, and all you have is the party year happening among much more immature kids, who already have impaired judgment even when they're sober. Long story short, we're not Europe. We're not Canada. We're not Mexico... yet.

But it should be legalized for medicinal purposes, at least.

Bullshit. Bullshit, bullshit, bullshit. Every time a stoner brings this up, an angel slaps himself in the forehead. I know I do, anyway. This is because, people who smoke pot and want it legalized, don't give a flying fuck about medicinal purposes, because they are not dying of cancer. WELL I HEARD THEY WERE MAKING GREAT PROGRESS IN HELPING GLAUCOMA PATIENTS WITH shut the fuck up. You don't care about cancer patients using pot to deal with the pain. For those in pain, there are a variety of treatments available to help deal with the pain. Those aren't good enough? Well fine, smoke up. They deserve it for all the pain they're going through. I don't care. What I do care about is assholes using people in significant pain as an excuse to get high. It's insulting, because they know damn well that when the average argument of "legal weed" comes up, we're not talking about cancer patients. We're talking about putting a Cypress Hill album on and finding the most asinine object in the house to try and smoke weed out of.

In California, weed is indeed legalized for medicinal purposes. And you know what? It's a big fucking joke. Doctors prescribe the shit for stuff like headaches and chronic joint pains. CHRONIC JOINT PAINS?? SEE WHAT I DID THERE? BECAUSE YOU'LL BE SMOKING THE CHRONIC... IN A JOINT!!!!

Meanwhile, these poor unfortunate souls in pain, they take their prescription down to the medical marijuana place, and get some high-powered government-mandated dank nugz. They then get together at these little pot parties, and they trade their prescription shit with each other. They have taken something that originally had good intentions backing it, they've exploited a loophole, and they've made a joke out of it. Fuck medical marijuana.

Legalizing pot is just going to do more harm than good. You want to get high? Go ahead and get high. You're gonna do it, anyway, and it's not hurting me. Maybe some day it'll be decriminalized and that'll be one less thing you can be paranoid about on your way to Jack in the Box for tacos at 2:30 AM. But for fuck's sake, stop chiming in about how it should be legal, and think for a second about what it all entails.

Of course, if most of these people knew how to think ahead in the first place, there'd probably be less weed-smoking going on, it wouldn't have received the stigma it now has, and it'd have been legalized a long time ago. So if you want to blame anybody for weed being illegal, blame yourself.

Don't want people seeing your snatch? Don't take a picture of it.

2008-07-14T18:56:00.000-07:00

I'm writing an entry about prostitution, and it's way too long and
preachy. So until I can condense it into something shorter and smarmier,
I'm gonna talk about something else.

Today, on my dinner break at work, I could hear some young tart going on
about her problems. She was one of your typical teenagers, whose
problems trump everybody else's. Everyone knows or has known somebody
like this. They are more than willing to open up about how horrible
their life is, and no matter how many solutions you throw at them,
there's no escape from their miserable existance which just seems to
become worse and worse as you question them on it. Then you realize
you're talking to a 15 year old, who's evil mother won't let her go out
and is mean and rotten towards her. Wah.

Anyway, so as I tuned this bitch out and went back to posting ads on
Craig's List offering to negotiate on exactly how many blowjobs I'd have
to give to get a used iPhone, this other hero walks up to her and starts
on this kick about how "you think you have a bad life?" and then
proceeds to tell this story - much more convoluted than it needed to be
- about how his girlfriend ("but she's not really my girlfriend. Not
yet") is stressed because this one guy has naked pictures of her and is
threatening to "post them on the internet."
First of all, I need to find out where exactly "on the internet" is, so
I can find this legendary stash of naked underage girls that all these
embittered ex-boyfriends like to post. Second, these whores deserve it
for being so gosh-damned stupid.

My view is this, when you become old enough to think you can make your
own decisions in life and especially relationships, you also become old
enough to understand the concept that MAYBE YOU'RE FUCKING WRONG.
Unfortunately, nobody beats their kids enough anymore, so we're
presented with a surplus of teenagers who think they're old enough to
have sex because they've known the guy for four whole months and they're
in love.

Parents need to teach the next generation of girls a new rule: if you
take your clothes off in front of a camera, it's going on the internet.
Maybe not today, or tomorrow. Maybe not after you two break up the first
six times, but rest assured that eventually, be it out of spite or pure
apathy, those pictures will be circulating the information superhighway
faster than Dennis Miller can make up anecdotes for every fucking
thought that comes to mind, and that many creepy pervs - like myself -
will be finding them on imagefap or in a massive zip file on bittorrent,
and will be saving them in a folder marked "LOLI PIX." And there's
nothing you can do about it, because even if you do get somebody's
myspace profile closed down or whatever, everybody ELSE who already
saved those pictures - and they did - will be spreading them.

It's a valuable lesson that girls need to learn. So next time you
consider sending the supposed love of your life of the month pictures of
your puffy sausage nips (when you could just as easily show them to him
in person,) understand the giant clusterfuck of a social network that is
high school. If he emails them to his friends, imagine their surprise
when they see so-and-so from their US Government class shoving an
English cucumber up her chonch. That's some pretty sizzling stuff right
there, just imagine how many of THEIR friends they'd like to share it
with. Your entire graduating class, and probably the next three after
you, will now know exactly what your asshole looks like.

Think about that shit, and realize, you could very easily be getting
paid to do what you're doing for free.

"Old school gaming" is a euphamism for "shitty hobby."

2008-05-09T21:54:00.000-07:00

Back when I used to waste my time moderating a "geek culture" forum, I
had to put up with a lot of lengthy diatribes from these fags who
thought they were a gosh damned authority on "gaming" because they knew
how to get to the -1 level on Super Mario Bros before they even knew
what their dick was used for.
"THOSE WERE THE DAYS!!" I'd hear, "I REMEMBER DURING THE SUMMER WE'D
HAVE NOTHING TO DO BUT SEE HOW HIGH OF A SCORE WE COULD GET. MY FRIENDS
AND I USED TO PLAY WORLD -1 OVER AND OVER TO SET A RECORD OF HOW LONG WE
COULD PLAY IT FOR."

... What?

The shitdicks would pull this crap all the time, confusing boring tedium
with what they thought was "quality gaming." Notice I put "gaming" in
quotes all the time, because at some point in history, using slang for
"not having any friends" became the hip thing to do.
Then they'd pull some yarn out of their collective asses about how the
gaming industry of today (because people take you more seriously if you
refer to electronic entertainment as an "industry") has gone so horribly
down hill, how games are mostly all the same now, and all any company
cares about is graphics. As if they're senior citizens reminiscning
about the good ol' days and how kids today don't know how good they have
it. Only the "kids today" are maybe ten years younger than us, if that.

All of this, my friends, is certified grade A bullshit.

First off, there were always knock-offs, and there always be knock-offs.
Yeah, there are dozens of first-person shooter games out there, just
like "back then" we had more side-scrolling 2D shooters than I have
sperm on Juno's face in one of my favorite beat-off fantasies.
Next, good graphics aside, games today are much more advanced than games
yesterday. Sorry fuckers, but 3D allows for a whole new realm of
possibilities on what you can do with a game, that just isn't possible
with 2D. And if something can be done in 2D, it would be pointless to
even try.

The biggest perpetrators of the "gaming is dead" mania are the RPG fags,
because they claim the genre is getting stale when all they want is the
same fucking thing over and over. It's either the games are too short,
too easy, the plot is watered down, the protagonist is too angsty, etc.
Meanwhile, I ask what RPG they consider a standard to hold others to,
and I get told "Final Fantasy VI." Or maybe even the very first Final
Fantasy. Now, both of these games are extremely flawed in their own
ways, and are in many ways, what I'd consider lackluster (for instance,
FF6 features almost 15 playable characters. Maybe four of them are
actually worth using. I'll have to give this game a flaying of its own
in another article some time.)
The same happens for older games of many different genres; older
"gamers" praise older games as superior to newer games, when they're
probably just as flawed in different regards. The main argument,
however, is challenge.
Final Fantasy is remembered as challenging because you had to fight IMP
and MADPONY over and over in droves so you could level up and possibly
afford getting your black mage FIR3 or whatever ridiculous luxury
license plate names they gave their spells back them. If your party ran
out of magic or somebody died, you were fucked for the whole dungeon,
creating an invaluable strategy of "run from every encounter even though
I spent hours leveling" for completing areas, all without any save
points. This was considered "challenging" in the same way that
masturbating right after slamming your dick in a door six dozen times
can be considered a challenge. It was also considered "fun" in the same
way that... well, actually, I can just reuse the dick-in-a-door analogy
for this one, as well.

Then there's Contra, a game considered a classic to many "gamers" out
there. Running a topless guerilla warrior around, shooting at alien
football players sure is fun. Dying in one hit and having three entire
lives and no continues for the entire game, on the other hand, was not.
"But the challenge encouraged you to try and become better at the game!"
No, the challenge encouraged me to not ever ask for that game for
Christmas because I didn't want to play the same level over and over
again every time I fucked up.
And Castlevania? Yes, I love getting pummeled to shit because my
limp-wristed pansy whip-wielding vampire hunter doesn't know how to get
the fuck off the stairs or at least aim upwards. But that's not a flaw,
that's a CHALLENGE. Because it was made in the EIGHTIES. And how come I
couldn't ever get any life items? The game teases me by making
everything drop hearts that DON'T RESTORE LIFE. They fuel my dagger.
Yes, that makes perfect sense. Hundreds of candles conceal countless
weapons and hearts, but nothing to restore my pussified lifebar. No, I
have to whip walls and hope dracula hid some fucking old-ass meat in
them. I have 40 units on my lifebar, but for some reason, everything
removes 12 of them. Why not just give me three or four units and call it
a day?
All of this is done in the name of "challenge." When a $50 NES game can
only hold maybe six or eight levels, the developers have to spread it
out by making your hero character be the biggest pussgina in existance.

So why do people still look up to these games?? One reason, and one
reason alone: WE WERE ALL FUCKING KIDS. And I use "fucking" as an
adjective here, not a verb. Otherwise it would be a lie; I still AM
fucking kids.
Seriously, anything and everything is nostalgic to you when it happened
in your childhood. Take Thundercats, for instance. Horrible fucking
show, but it's considered awesome because we watched it as children. And
Transformers? That shit sucked until they made the live-action movie.
Why the hell did Optimus Prime still look like a truck when he was
living on Cybertron millions of years before modern human civilization,
anyway??
And the Ninja Turtles? Ever wonder why their attempted rerelease of that
series sucked? No, not because they can't make good cartoons anymore,
it's because we all GREW UP.
And yet, we all have fond memories of these things. Yes, they were fond
memories, but the subject matter of these memories is not.

This is why "gamers" think new video games suck. Back in the day, we had
thousands of rip-off sidescrollers, Mario clones, and space shooters.
Now we still have rip-offs, only many companies actually make more of an
effort to make games that stand out, because making games takes even
more of an investment.
Also consider, $50 was a lot of money to us back then, because back then
our only source of income was from mowing lawns and rubbing Uncle
Charlie's feet. Our parents didn't always buy us games at a whim, so
whatever we got for Christmas or our birthdays had to last. Memories of
playing these classic games over and over weren't necessarily because
the games were worth the hours invested, it was because we didn't have
anything else.
Now, any schmuck running deliveries for Pizza Hut can buy a new game a
week, beat it, sell it back and get another game, and think nothing of
it.
So truthfully, when it comes down to it, we weren't trying to get the
highest score possible in Super Mario Brothaz because it was a quality
relic of gaming masterpiece with superb replayability; we were doing it
because we just got our new Nintendo and mom and dad refused to buy any
new games until Christmas.
Ever go to somebody's house as a kid, like a friend's or a cousin's? And
it was one of those rich family's who bought games nonstop for their
kid? Yeah, browsing through their collection, you'd find some of the
usual decent games, followed by probably three or four shitty games for
every decent game in there. This was because Nintendo games generally
sucked, we're just too fond of the memories of not having to hold a
steady job over the summer to recall that.

2008-04-19T17:16:00.000-07:00

On my way to my Computer Science class, there's this row of classrooms I
walk by, where a bunch of retards hang out at. Okay, they're not
retards, but they're pretty messed up. We have chicks missing arms,
people in electric wheelchairs in various stages of deformations,
near-midgets, and one poor guy who looks like he caught a glimpse of the
ark of the covenant and his face started to melt.

I'm wondering if this is where they put all of the physical misfits who
enroll for classes. But my real dillemma is this: what do I call this
place? The Chamber of Deformities? The Passage of Maladies? The Den of
the Mongoloids? The Hall of Inbreeding?

This is going to take some serious thought.

Juno: Now anybody can write their own hit move!

2008-04-18T08:56:00.001-07:00

Walking to class this morning, I took a quick gander at myself. My hair was disshelved and unkempt. My WoW jacket - which I wear with the hood up - had stains on it from some spinach artichoke dip I ate at Fox & Hound weeks ago, and covered my Zelda tshirt. My jeans were too long and tattered, and my flipflops, which did nothing to stop my toes from being cold, were very old and dirty. And as I walked like this, with my tiny Fivestar notebook in hand, I realized, I too have a premise for a shitty indie film.

Juno can be described in one word: quirky. This is sometimes a good thing for movies, but more often than not, it an adjective that can best be applied the same way we sometimes describe something or somebody as "interesting;" that is to say, there's nothing good to say about it, but
it wasn't horrible so we'd feel bad totally denouncing it.

Juno's problem is it tries WAY TOO FUCKING HARD to be quirky, as if the writer and director wanted a movie that at worst would cause a massive inspiration of shitty knock-off retro styles in teen girls and at best, would make a killing in Hot Topic merchandise. I figured this out as soon as the opening menu and credits rolled, and was treated to some hokey, folk-sounding music with shitty vocals, and a montage of Juno's stiff stride downtown, made to look like it was hand
drawn and colored by an amateur. The whole time, Juno is carrying a giant jug of Sunny Delight (I refuse to call it "Sunny D") and chugging it, making for an excellent product placement. I could just hear a pack of girls now, finishing the movie, leaving the theaters and going "LOL
KNOW WHAT I WANT?? SUM SUNNY D. BUT NOT JSUT A BOTTLE, A _HOLE JUG_ AND
THEN LETS WALK AROUND AND DRINK IT!"

This is a metaphor for Juno as a movie: made to look like it was carelessly thrown together by an amateur, but made on a foundation of mainstream commercialism. The movie just tries so damn hard to be cool and offbeat. Between clever shots of Juno's dress style (tee hee, slinkie tshirt! Remember slinkies? No, because you were born after the slinkie fad died down you dumb bitches) her choice of decor (oooh a hamburger phone! That's so cute, I'm going on ebay to order one right now!) and her dialogue which is making EVERY effort to be witty and sarcastic, crossed with pseudo-intellectualism with a dash of vulgarity thrown in, as if we have to try to imitate Kevin Smith for clever dialogue now. Oh, and the catchphrases. Her and her budz love to say
things like "Wizard" in place of cool, because, well hey, Napoleon Dynamite did it and kids are still shouting "FLIPPIN' SWEET!!" like it's the new "I'm Rick James, bitch lol." Oh, and then there's the random toss-in of musical taste, as the movie finds a way to let us all know
about Juno's offbeat taste in music, so we can all go online and look those bands up ourselves! Mainstream corporate rock is SO not-wizard! In fact, I'm making up a reverse catch phrase for stuff that's not wizard! Muggle! Linkin Park is SO muggle! Eat it, mudbloods!

It reminded me of that shitty assfuck of a movie "Garden State" which played on the whole Kevin Smith Jersey movie angle to deliver a movie that was nothing like any of that. When Zach Braff is sitting in the waiting room and Padme Amidala takes off her giant headphones to deliver
a blatant sales pitch for the hot, wizard non-corporate group "The Shins." You know they're good because the name begins with "The" and ends with a random word, and because prior to that nobody's ever heard of them.
Juno does this. Only it actually designates scenes for the exclusive purpose of telling me what music and movies are cool or not.

But beyond the clever dialogue, the quirky style and random product placement, what else does Juno offer? Like many indie films (or films that try to appear indie, in this case,) Juno attempts to give us an afterthought of a plot, strewn in a convoluted mess of scenes that go both everywhere and nowhere all at the same time. This movie is supposed to be about a girl getting pregnant and... well, that's it, she gets pregnant and gives the kid up for adoption. Now let's get back to more of her drinking slurpies, eating a noose of licorice (OMG THAT'S SO COOL IM TOTELY DOIGN THAT!) and close-ups of her boyfriend eating orange tic-tacs. Fads based on random products that have always existed are wizard!

Juno has sex with the skinny guy from Superbad, who plays the skinny guy from Superbad in this movie (only specifically instructed not to be funny, so we can have more scenes of Juno trying to convince us how smart and cute she is.) He's ... well, we don't know who he is to her
until way late in the movie, not because the plot calls for it, but because the movie just forgets to tell us. Many things are forgotten in the movie in lieu of mundane events like an ultrasound, or showing the ultrasound to the adoptive parents, or playing guitar with an older man.
Basically, if the scene isn't showing us how cool Juno is, it's not really very important. I thought the two kids were dating. Turns out, they're just friends as I find out late in the movie and, oh! By the way, they had a band! A shitty band as we find out by their song at the end of the movie! Oh, and he likes her, but she is just a friend, but she sort of likes him, too.
This whole love affair is briefly highlighted in all of three scenes in the entire movie. The rest is her preparing to put the kid up for adoption.

But Josh, that is what the movie is about, right?

Once the adoptive couple shows up in the movie, we're sort of introduced to their life and relationship, which is about as awkward as the rest of the movie. The couple is bland and monotone, and slightly dysfunctional enough to put a bit of tension into their scenes, but not enough to make things interesting.
The husband takes a liking to Juno, hinting at a hot hot loli relationship on the horizon, which - thankfully - does not take into fruition because then the movie would actually go somewhere. We find out the husband doesn't really want a baby, but a divorce from his slightly-overbearing Julia Roberts clone of a wife. No real reason is truly given, besides "duh I'm not ready to be a dad." Juno even asks them how they can fall in love, get married and then grow apart, providing the perfect opportunity for them to at least tell why if they won't show it, but instead they just stare and mumble things, like one of those couples that tries to get the last word in even if it just
means sarcastically agreeing with the other's accusations.

After this, Juno suddenly decides she's in love with the guy who knocked her up (it be wonderful if, in real life, girls actually realize they love their best guy-friends just from their daddy telling them to go with the first guy who actually admires them.) They kiss, hold hands, and then we get to watch a very anticlimatic scene of her going into labor (she doesn't even invite her boyfriend.)

Then she gives the baby to the bitch, anyway. The end. The movie ends with the two kids singing to each other and playing guitar, which was so long I actually stopped the movie at that point. Juno accomplished nothing as a movie. It barely tells a story about a girl getting
pregnant, giving it up for adoption, and then dating the father through high school. Nothing terribly impacting, just a casual "we'll get through this" sort of attitude to an otherwise life-changing series of events.

The movie isn't horrible. I certainly don't hate any of the characters (which in itself is an accomplishment,) and I admit Juno is a really cute character. What bothers me is how hard the movie tries to be artsy and random, almost like it's trying to draw in the Napoleon Dynamite
crowd. Difference is, that movie knows it's not trying to deliver anything, and there's a point behind its randomness: humor. Napoleon comments on Pedro's bike, and the we jump directly to a scene of them making a ghetto-ass jump off a shitty ramp. The point? To watch Napoleon
suddenly eat shit and get socked in the nuts, so we can laugh. Any of the retro-indie quirks in that movie serve to support the movie's humor.
Juno is the logarhythmic inverse function of this. It acts like it tries to present a purpose, but delivers nothing and as a result I don't laugh. I only see the retro-indie details being blared louder than everything else the movie was supposed to be.

I'd still fuck Juno, though. Especially while she has a bun in the oven.

High heels are for girls, faggot.

2008-03-30T13:31:00.001-07:00

http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/23847511/

This shit makes my blood boil. Not because an eigth grader was shot,
like everybody else is mad about (although it is terrible that it
happened) but because we've now reached a point where we're gonna have
to teach our kids to be tolerant of cross-dressers. Furthermore, it's
another reminder that according to our laws, if you're a murderer,
you're not nearly as much of a heinous degenerate as a murderer who's
also a bigot. Somehow, personal feelings towards the background of your
victim makes your crime that much more criminal.

Larry King - no relation to the frumpy undead Jew on CNN - was shot by a
classmate, because he dressed up like a girl and hit on the guys who
dared make fun of him.

I repeat, he dressed up like a girl and hit on the people who mocked
him. In eigth grade. Am I the only one seeing something wrong with this?
Have we come to a point where this really should be considered
acceptible?? I feel like I'm taking crazy pills.

Where the fuck were the parents when their son was putting makeup on?
What kind of father would boldly support a son who's balls have barely
dropped and is already picking out a favorite eyeliner?? This shouldn't
even be a debate of sexuality, it's a debate of IDIOCY. There are plenty
of gays out there who dress appropriate to their gender. Even the most
fantastic, limp-wristed faggots dress like dudes, they just add some
flair to it. Hardly do I see any of them wearing fucking makeup, chick's
jewelry and motherfucking HIGH HEELS.
WHY HIGH HEELS??? Chicks complain all the time about how painful those
things are to wear at formal occasions or to work, and here this
prepubescent poof is shoving his man-feet in them on a daily basis. W H
Y ? ?

I'll tell you why: to make a statement. I don't know what steps of
parenting his parents decided to roll through, but King decided it would
matter to show everyone exactly how queer he is... by dressing like a
woman. And when he was mocked, he flirted with the boys. I'm sorry, is
that not sexual harassment? Oh, he was harassed first? Shit, I was made
fun of for not wearing any No Fear shirts in seventh grade, and for
being chubby. All this fucker had to do was NOT go out of his way to
dress up like a girl, and he'd probably have avoided a lot of this,
including death. But no, he has to make a statement. Sewing a rainbow
patch on his backpack just wasn't enough, apparently.

I love some of the quotes from this article. Like Ellen Degenerate,
feeling we actually care enough about a washed-up comedian's opinion of
what's okay: "Larry was not a second-class citizen. I'm not a
second-class citizen. It is OK if you are gay."

Hey, thanks, Ellen! The thing is, you're gay. Saying it's OK if you're
gay is a bit biased, right?
The thing is, it is more or less okay to be gay. Yes, I'm repulsed by it
and I think it's immoral, but that's neither here nor there. In society,
I do agree gays are NOT second-class citizens.
But what we're talking about isn't the "right" to be gay, we're talking
about a stupid teenager in drag, FORCING his sexuality on people he
knows don't accept it, by flirting with them. He did not deserve to die,
but he did more or less ask for it.

"He didn't like people insulting him," said Miriam Lopez, a 13 year old
waste of time, "Larry was brave enough to bring high heels and makeup to
school and he wasn't afraid of anything."

Here's what I'm not getting. He supposedly didn't like being insulted,
so he combats it by flaming out and flirting with kids? Why not go kick
some ass or put his stilleto heel through somebody's hand? Why not, oh I
dunno, leave them alone?? Seriously, King probably would've been just
fine if he dressed like a girl and just ignored the mockery.
Calling somebody brave for bringing high heels to school is like calling
a black man brave for having an affair with a klan member's wife.

"If girls are wearing jewelry, you can't stop boys from wearing it,
too," said the superintendant. "Each gender has the right to wear what
the other does."

Since when? There aren't dresscodes intact? Fuck, stop blurring the damn
lines between genders. We're not forcing girls to wear burkas and cover
their faces, but it shouldn't be too much to ask that boys just don't
wear girls' clothes in school. Now they're meeting with "gay leaders" to
discuss how to waste students' education time and our tax dollars
teaching the importance of tolerance. What are gay leaders, anyway? Is
there some Counsel of Queers who get together and discuss which shade of
orange is the new pink, or how to best groom your teacup chihuahuah? Why
am I supposed to be worried about some bizarre, Butt-fucking Al Sharpton
coming along to pressure people into doing shit their way? Now we have
to teach teachers how to best deal with gay teens. I have a solution:
"PUT SOME PANTS ON AND WASH THAT SHIT OFF OR I'M FAILING YOU." Easy does
it.

Turns out, King was in foster care or whatever, which explains a lot and
also removes the validity of about half of my rant about his parents,
and the other asshole's parents were even bigger assholes. So seeing as
how there are no real parents for the victim, I have to reshuffle the
blame of this death, from most to least:

First, I blame the kid who shot King. Obviously it was his fault; you
don't go shooting a fag for flirting with you. Just kick him in the
balls and walk away. Eventually he'll learn. Don't shoot anybody.
Second, I blame his parents. Did we forget to teach the kid not to bring
guns to school and shoot people who make him feel bad?
Third, I blame the victim, Larry King, for being a flamboyant jerk-off
who used his sexuality to purposely piss everybody off.
Finally, I blame Boy George. Dressing up like a woman and asking "do you
really want to hurt me" is just promoting this kind of shit. It may be a
good thing this boy was shot, otherwise he'd grow up kidnapping male
prostitutes, too.

Surprise, your relationship sucks!

2008-03-24T16:41:00.000-07:00

So tonight I celebrated the resurrection of Christ (BECAUSE I AM
WEAK-MINDED AND USE RELIGION AS A CRUTCH OF +1 FAIRY-TALE BELIEVING) by
begrudgingly going into work and playing sudoku on my phone in the
office the entire time. Hey, time-and-a-half is time-and-a-half.

During this time, I checked an away message of a friend and found some
yarn about how "you" only get into big fights with the people "you"
really care about because "you" really "love" them. The Red Bull I then
proceeded to project onto the desk from my nostrils had the consistancy
of steam, for it had boiled under pressure of the rage such an attitude
summons from me.

Back when I had a heart and actually cared about the well-being of
others, I used to waste my time talking to people about the bad
relationships they were putting themselves through. They all gave me the
same line about how "BWRHGWHRGWHM WE ONLY FIGHT BECAUSE WE LOVE EACH
OTHER AND BLRGHRBGLRHGL RELATIONSHIPS ARE ALL ABOUT WORK" etc.
When I wasn't hearing this from others, I was trying to believe it
myself in an effort of convincing myself that I should stick with
whatever harpy it was I happened to be shtooping at the time.

What these "adults" don't realize is they're making the same excuses
made by teenagers who believe they're "in love," as well as mature
enough to make rational decisions about relationships.
You can learn a lot about a person by arguing with them, mainly whether
they listen or not. Fights can be broken down into three aspects:

1. The Conflict
Why did the argument happen? Fast-forward to the resolution of the
argument (if one exists) and analyze why the fight began. Was it a
disagreement? A difference of opinion? A misunderstanding? Failure of
communication? Or was one of you just being an asshole? A fight can be
avoided if both parties can just look at the conflict from the beginning
and come to a common ground. If both are mature and emotionally stable
enough (meaning, in a fantasy environment,) the responsible party could
admit fault in a one-sided conflict, and a fight could be avoided.

2. The Prolonging
Perhaps he ignores you, or she doesn't listen and barrels over what you
say, or he shouts, or she sidetracks and brings up what you did in front
of her parents with the turkey baster last Christmas. All of these are
examples of things that push a fight way further than it needs to go,
and just causes more irritation.

3. The Aggitation Factor
This is like the vile sprinkles atop your sugary, carb-laden doughnut of
sin. This aspect goes along with the Prolonging, causing fights to
become even more heated and leading to more domestic abuse calls or
car-keyings. It could be caused by insulting the other person, being
overly sarcastic, accusational, or even (my personal favorite) just
responding to everything, in monotone, with one-worded answers. If your
partner is actually trying to annoy you in an argument, they probably
feel justified in doing it, which means they automatically assume you
did something wrong.

Upon analyzing these three elements of a fight, it's quite easy to see
that couples don't argue because they love each other, but because they
just don't get along. The more frequent the fighting, the less patience
they have, and the less patience couples have for each other, the more
hate rises up in the fight.

This wouldn't be nearly as much of an issue if couples learned from
their arguments, and molded themselves around each other's
personalities. But then, if that kind of shit actually happened, the
divorce rate would probably be non-existant. Unfortunately, kids get
into steady relationships at an alarmingly young age, and feel they can
handle it because they're "adults." While the teen years do play host to
massive changes, the gap between 17 and 18 isn't all that great in the
maturity department. Being 18 means little more than being able to buy
PACKA CIGGIEZ and getting to legally say "YOU CAN'T TELL ME WHAT TO DO
ANYMORE, DAD!!!" Young adults claim they "follow their hearts," as if
this should be a point of pride. What they follow their hearts into is
dysfunctional relationships that often leads to unsteady, premature
marriages. God help the kids some of these teenagers spawn and raise.

Marriage should only be legally allowed between adults of 22 years of
age or older. Prior to 21, everybody is still way too immature to hold
steady relationships ("BUT IM VERRY MATURE 4 MY AGE LOL" be honest, has
anybody ever admitted to being not mature enough??) and at age 21, the
legal party phase begins. Age 22, on average, is potentially the minimum
age kids usually stop being kids, have most of the partying and
debauchery out of their systems, and are ready to start taking shit
seriously. This is the Minimum, meaning for late-bloomers, it could even
be a few years later (SEE: my previous entry about my near-Hendrix
experience in bed.)

Fighting doesn't mean you're working on your relationship, it just means
you're beating a dead horse. Stop looking at fucking engagement rings
with somebody you hate, and save your money for a car or something.

Spring Break.

2008-03-15T00:02:00.001-07:00

Kind of behind on my game here, so I can't really think of anything
witty or angry to write in the subject line.

This whole week, I took off from life. I had off from school, put in for
paid vacation at work, and even neglected to go to the gym this entire
time. I managed to find some time between my busy schedule of WoW and
sleeping to wake up, horribly hung over, literally in a puddle of my own
vomit. I also stayed up into the waking hours telling a girl I just met
what a piece of crap she is in so many words, and I got my oil changed!
All in all, this has been quite the productive week.

I haven't written much this week, not so much because I've been uber
busy, but because I just can't think of anything to write beyond my
usual lineup of self-loathing, woman-hating and general complaining.

So I guess I'm calling it a night for now. I'll post more as inspiration
strikes.

NES Games to play while drunk.

2008-03-03T23:26:00.001-07:00

I'm quite a bit innebriated right now, and since I feel like doing
random things after drinking, I'm going to reflect on five great NES
games to play while toasted. Note that if there are more or less than
five, it's because I lost my train of thought and forgot to return to
this paragraph to change the number.

1. Joust
The controls in this game make it fucked up enough to play while sober.
Basically you hit A over and over to flap your bird-guy's wings, and
hope you don't move to fast. The trick is to hit the underside of your
enemy's bird while hoping they don't impale you with their cockscope.
Needless to say, I would play this game for a total of three minutes as
a kid, before I reached the part where I pull the game out of the NES
and say "fuck this" and go back to erasing my cousin's saves on Legend
of Zelda.

2. Wizards and Warriors
Because who doesn't love a game that stars a guy dressed in a full suit
of armor, who wags his sword around like a sore dick?? Seriously, this
game is fucked up. I can hold A to hop around from tree to tree like I
lost my damn mind, or hold B to have extra-marital relations with my
zweihander. All the while there are fucking bees and other random
monsters flying around. And when I die? My character does the bug and
flails his arms around. It's crazy!

3. Slalom
I meant the skateboarding game 720, but for some reason I was thinking
Slalom. Sure enough, I look this shit up on Google and find a game about
skiers bending over in third person view. Gay.

3. 720
You play as this skateboarder with a huge noggin, and the trick is to
control his movements and tricks while he's hopped up on paint thinner
or something. I think if you held the controller upside down it was
easier. This game is like Marble Madness only without as many references
to my testicles.

4. Paperboy
I wanted to make #4 Toe Jam & Earl only A.) This post isn't about
Genesis games and B.) This post isn't about games to play while you're
tripping ballz.
But if you were tripping ballz, this game would be what it feels like to
deliver papers on acid. The grim fuckin' reaper wants your paperboy ass,
you dong-benders. There are also possessed lawnmowers, irate
pedestrians, and this random freaky obstacle course at the end.
You know, when I'm done delivering papers, the last thing I wanna do
after a long morning's work is jump over tires on my bike and shit. And
what's with not delivering papers to red houses? How fuckin racist is
that? This game gets props for being anti-communist, at least.

5. Mighty Bomb Jack
What the fuck is this?? I'm some guy wearing boxer shorts on my head,
who jumps like I have a Game Genie. He collects bombs as if their coins,
and his super power involves changing colors and making the soundtrack
change. Apparently I have to kill mummies because I'm in a period or
something. I meant to say "pyramid." If I want to play fuckd up bomb
games, I'll pop in Bomberman and accidentally blow myself up while
trying to burn orange happy ghosts alive.

I'm gonna go play WoW with my nude patch installed. I love vagina.

I'm stuck in an asshole paradox.

2008-03-03T12:40:00.000-07:00

I'm sitting here at In-n-Out Burger again, because my sister needed a
ride to work and my arteries needed a good dose of hardening. It's been
busy in here, so I've had to hunt around for a seat before my 3x3 was
finished. Shut the fuck up, I've never had one before. But I can't
promise I won't ever have one again.

I find this seat in the corner, a little table with two chairs, and I
wait for my meal. Long story short, I ate my food, I wiped the grease
from my face, and then I got up to fill up my Diet Coke. Yes, fuckers, a
Diet Coke. I know it's HAHALARIOUS to think about guys eating fast food
and drinking a diet cola, but stop and think: what's worse for your
heart, consuming a large quantity of fat AND sugar? Or consuming the fat
and replacing the sugar with not-sugar? And don't give me this
"bwrgwbrgwbgbm cancer" garbage, either. Everything causes cancer.

Anwyay, on my way back to my seat, I notice a bewildered old bint
hovering over my seat, looking down at the tray of trash I left there. I
excuse myself and zip down to take my seat. She apologizes and goes off
to find another place to sit with her undead husband or whatever. Only
after she left did I realize I didn't need to stay here.

So here's my dilemma: do I get up immediately, and look like an asshole
for turning her away just so I could get up and leave, or do I stay here
and dick around on my phone, obviously done with my food, and also
looking like an asshole? Either way, I'm a jerk-off.

In order to stay true to my "I'm such a bitter asshole" persona on here,
I'm asking for the sake of finding out which is the lesser of two evils,
then going along with the OTHER option. Wish me luck.

I'm stuck in an asshole paradox.

2008-03-03T12:29:00.000-07:00

In order to stay true to my "I'm such a bitter asshole" persona on here,
I'm asking for the sake of finding out which is the lesser of two evils,
then going along with the OTHER option. Wish me luck.

Why I would love to stare at your tits, thank you!

2008-02-29T13:00:00.000-07:00

Warning: in this post I will be talking about tits and ass. And
masturbating, and porn, and gay sex.

... so basically, in this post I will be talking about what I usually
talk about. Only negativity-free!

Today at the gym, as I worked off my thunder thighs on the elliptical, I
was treated to a wonderous display in front of me. This girl was
trotting away on a treadmill, her ponytail bouncing back and forth like
a ... pony's... tail. She was maybe a little shorter than me (so pretty
damn short) and she had this amazing, tiny hourglass frame that tapered
down to a luscious, wholesome, heart-shaped muffin ass. My heartrate
rose rapidly as I found myself subconsciously moving faster, as if to
catch up to that applebottom so I could write my signature on it. (That
means I want to beat off on her ass.)

It got me thinking. Well, first off, it inspired me to do the whole
half-hour on the elliptical instead of 15-20 minutes and then hopping
off to go sculpt my gunz and then eat a double cheeseburger. But it also
got me appreciating how absolutely beautiful women can be when they
aren't tired, frumpy beasts. When I'm not excreting hate and vitriol
from every pore of my body and driving every girl off with my
anti-pheromones, I'm at awe over what I'm missing out on. Sometimes,
when I'm watching porn, I'll switch to some gay videos and try jerking
it to that, and then switching back to lesbians or something again, just
to contrast how much I love women. It feels like getting out of the hot
tub, leaping into the pool, then immediately getting out and going back
into the hot tub with hardened nipples. Only instead of a pool, it's
all-man butt fucking.

Let's see if I can finish this next paragraph without talking about
masturbating or gay sex. Here goes.
So as I drive home to eat my workout-undoing lunch, I see a girl with
one of those slightly low-cut tops that could best be described as
modest with a dash of cleavage, and I thanked the Lord. Any girl who
says she doesn't want guys staring at her chest had better not own
anything that accentuates it, because it's just damned hypocritical. I
love these shirts, because as modest-looking as they are, it's apparent
that they were designed for one purpose and one purpose alone: LETTING
ME SEEM DEM TITS, EH?? It's subtle things like those shirts that can
really bring the beauty out. It's especially darling when they have an
even tighter shirt on underneath, so I'm treated to even more
breats-a-poppin'. Shit like this almost makes me forget about the groady
doofus holding hands with her.

Last night, at Walmart, I spotted some schmuck walking around with his
cutie-patootie girlfriend, and she was wearing a cute pair of baggy
pajama bottoms. They weren't that baggy, because they were just able to
point out the curves in her ample, barely legal behind. I wanted to kick
that dude's skinny ass and deposit him upside down in a garbage can; not
necessarily because I harbored any hard feelings for him (he seemed
clean-cut enough,) but just out of principle. Just as I was about to
fantasize about how hot she'd look folded in half wedged deep inside a
bathroom-floor-and-Josh-Fatal sandwich, I heard Gay4Pay to my right
shout "Damn, she's got an ass hotter than your sister's!!" To my left, I
heard my sister shout back "FUCK YOU." I picked out a pint of Ben &
Jerry's Fudge Caramel Faggotry that night, and pretended I'd be eating
it off her ass.

I think it's time I get laid.

Eat my all-natural dick.

2008-02-20T23:15:00.002-07:00

I'm sitting here on my damned break, drinking a Rockstar Coffee and watching these two Mac faggots on their damned iBooks or whatever, watching videos with each other, probably of gay porn. I'm waiting for the Macfest to stop so I can watch them suck each other's iCocks so I at least have something to think about when I go jerk off in the restroom.

Just as I'm figuring a way to straighten out my all-gay wood when I stand up, when I hear this fat chick working at our Gelato bar (yes, we have a gelato bar, which is probably one of the reason the limp-wrist Mac fages keep coming around) shouts to a passing customer "WOULD YOU LIKE TO TRY SOME GELATO, SIR?? IT'S ALL NATURAL!!"

Why is "all natural" written on every piece of shit product I see? I see it on 7-up now, who actually went as far as releasing an entire ad campaign themed around how their shitty beverage is "all natural" now. Fruit snacks are made with "all natural" fruit flavor. Skin cream is
made with "all natural" human placenta. Who gives a fuck?? It's like when they whore out some junky kids snack as being a "good" source of calcum or vitamin C. What doesn't have calcium in it these days, jerk-offs?? And who cares? How many cases a year do we hear about kids'
bones breaking like Samuel L. Jackson when he chased that jitbag peckerwood through a subway in Unbreakable because they don't get enough calcium? Now, how many cases do we
hear about young boys with tits bigger than my sister's because they ate too many Oreos made with "all natural" lard?

Another favorite is something chocolate chip, made with "REAL CHOCOLATE CHIPS!" For real?? So it's not chocolate FLAVORED chips like some products do? I'll make sure I only feed my kids real chocolate from now on.
Also, organic doesn't mean it's good. Oh yeah, I know, you feel solice in knowing that overpriced apple you put in your kid's lunchbox is free of the tiny amount of pesticides our bodies have long grown immune to ages ago, but the bag of organic Doritos kind of defeats the purpose.
What good is keeping your body virtually free of growth hormones and pesticides if you're still eating the same diet of processed garbage?
I'm not judging for eating bad food or anything, just understand that when I order my double cheeseburge and ten piece Chicken McNuggets, I understand they are bad for me. I don't kid myself in the matter.

And because I don't want to finish this entry too soon, I'm gonna bitch some more about the whole organic thing. I was gonna gripe about vegans, but let's be honest, people take vegans about as seriously as they take Scientology; as such, whatever I have to say about them goes without saying (other than this: if it's okay for animals to rip other animals apart with their bare claws and eat each other, why is it inhumane for us to eat meat?)
Buying certain kinds of meat, eggs or dairy because it was "naturally raised" makes you an asshole. What, are you sending a message to all of the inhumane farms out there that keep their animals locked up in cages? Does it taste better? How do you even KNOW it's being naturally raised and they aren't just saying it? "WELL I LOOKED UP THE ORGANIZATION AND
THEY'RE ACTUALLY CERTIFIED-" No you didn't, douche nozzle. You didn't educate yourself on the ins and outs of cruelty-free dairy or eggs. You just logged onto myspace and saw some bulletin showing pictures from some nameless farm that show chickens being locked up together and now you feel like you have to "fight for the cause."
You want humane? All of these farms still are growing animals for the purpose of slaughtering or at the very least, whoring out their eggs and milk. Yeah, that's not inhumane at all. If you really want to get your meat and dairy products the "all natural" way, go out and kill an animal yourself and eat it. Oh, you want milk? Go suck it straight from the cow's hormone-free udder. But wait, that's bestiality, the REAL all-natural way would be to suck milk from a woman's lactating tits. Now there's something I'd be 110% behind. LEMME SUCK DEM TITS, AH?

I'm gonna go make some taquitos and saturate them in barbeque sauce.

The Valentine's Day Conspiracy

2008-02-14T19:21:00.001-07:00

Another Valentine's Day is upon us and I won't be seeing my sister to
give her the $75 worth of flowers and chocolates I got her because she
is an idiot and is going to spend it with the boyfriend she broke up
with two days ago. Something about "one last happy memory together"
which I suppose is chick language for "might as well let the sad bastard
spend even more money on me and service me orally once more since he's
willing."

Anyway, I am not anti-this-holiday because people who randomly hate on
Valentine's Day are either just pissy because they're single, or feel
like they have something to prove while at the same time accepting cards
and gifts from their friends and family. The only reason I'm sad on this
day is because I'm single and bitter, not because I hate the holiday.
That's right, I'm not going to make up some bullshit reason like "I
DESPISE THE COMMERCIALISM IMPOSED UPON US BY THE GIANT CORPORATE
MACHINE" as if I have some noble cause behind my angst. I'm just
depressed and moody.

As such, I must find a new way to celebrate the holiday, so I can keep
myself from downing an entire container of Ben & Jerry's, which I'm
probably going to do, anyway. So far, all I've come up with is me trying
to make somebody cry today. But I already do that every day, so unless I
plan on making TWO people cry, I'm not doing much out of the ordinary.
Unfortunately, that's too much work for a holiday, so I hope you all
understand my dilemma.

So I guess today's pet peeve are the people (chicks, mainly) who act
like they hate Valentine's Day. They go on about how it's a "Hallmark
holiday," manufactured to make money by making people think they have to
buy their loved ones stuff, and yet when those cards, those flowers,
that jewelry starts rolling in, they have no qualms with accepting said
presents.

Wait, wait... it just occurred to me. They say they hate the holiday and
don't celebrate it, and yet accept gifts on the holiday. Basically, what
this means is they get presents without having to reciperocate the
gesture. Hey, nice move, whores! That's a great way to be 50/50 with
your relationships! Heck, even calling them whores is being polite; at
least with a whore, you give her money, she gives you sex. 100%
satisfaction garuntee.

For this reason, if I'm ever married and my wife pulls this "let's not
celebrate" shit, I'm taking her words at face value. And to ensure I
drove the point home, I'm gonna take myself to see a movie that night,
too.

Being King Nerd still makes you a nerd.

2008-01-30T22:12:00.000-07:00

Being a geek isn't cool, I don't care how acceptable it is, I'm never
going to admire how fucking dorky some of these jitbags are. Sure,
getting good grades is cool (although there are plenty of these kids who
adopt the mantle of nerd without adopting the GPA to go along with it,)
going against the flow is cool, taking pride in your own interests is
cool no matter how mocked you are for it. Taking it to a level where I,
one of the biggest rejects ever, wants to kick your ass, however, is not
cool.

I'm in this class, Intro to Computer Science, where we learn elementary
C++ from this wacky eccentric guy who uses too many hand gestures and
over-annunciates his words - for instance, "ice cream cone" to him is
"AAYCE CREEEAM CAAONE." He's a good guy, though.
I'm amongst quite a ragtag band of douchebags in this class, I admit.
There's a hot blonde in the class, a middle-aged Asian guy, a skinny
angst-bucket who can't see the color green, a deaf guy, and a fat guy
who tries to look slim by wearing oversized plaid button-down shirts. I
feel like I'm in casting tryouts for the next Dodgeball movie, for
fuck's sake.
The rest of the class is moderately normal-looking, although one of the
lesser eyesores in the class is the guy who exists in every programming
class: the know-it-all overqualified asshole.

Every damned lesson, we're learning some very basic fundamentals of
programming, and this tool has to show off what a fucking prodigy he
thinks he is. Of course, it's nothing that impressive, just shit that's
a few chapters ahead of us, like a more practical way to make line
feeds, or conditional case structure or whatever. Either way, he has to
interrupt the lesson to go "WHAT ABOUT ____?" only so the teacher can
tell him, politely, that we aren't covering that yet.
One day, this douche had to take the teacher's time to figure out why
his stupid Hello World program wouldn't fucking run, because he insisted
on coding it in the .NET application instead of regular Visual C++. "I
always use .NET at home," he boasts, "and it always works for me
there."

Well how convenient for you, limp-dick! But the shit isn't working HERE,
because you're worried too much about showing how advanced you are and
not worried enough about following the fucking instructions. Meanwhile,
I have to wait to get my project looked over so I can get the hell out
of there and try to eat some greasy tacos and God forbid a spicy chicken
sandwich before I clock in for work to deal with even more
mouth-breathers, all because "I ALWAYS USE .NET." Next time, start an
EMPTY project like the teacher said!

And then whenever there's a problem, it's always "I did that! It still
isn't working!" Right, you just happened to get the computer that has a
hard-on for you. And they always claim they checked over "everything,
like, six times!"
This is specifically what separates career-worthy programmers from the
basement-dwelling fucks who think they're gonna program the next Final
Fantasy from scratch with C++ and their own "team" of hairy smelly guys
from down the street who will have more Japanese action figures than
they ever will blowjobs in their entire collective lives; putting
troubleshooting over your overinflated ego. Bugs don't come from "FUKKIN
STUPID PIECE OF SHIT M$ WINBLOWZ", they come from users making stupid
errors because they think they're the shit.

Just today, I overheard somebody asking this jitbag what programming
classes he's taken prior. Turns out he took a Programming Fundamentals
class (which is basically like Defense Against the Dark Arts being
taught without any spell practice - all theories) and a Visual Basic
class, which teaches you how to program in a drag and drop fashion, so
you can make your own calculator program in case the Windows version
just isn't personalized enough. Basically, it's a toy. Nobody knew that
meanwhile, I took classes for COBOL, Turbo PASCAL, C++, Visual Basic.
And they won't... want to know why? Because I don't plan on rubbing my
prior experience (or lack thereof) in. I'm in that class to reaquaint
myself and clear off a prerequisite, not to wave my cyber-dick around
for all the nerd underlings to swoon over. I hate geeks.

The world is not ready for true individualism.

2008-01-28T20:17:00.000-07:00

I have a new morning ritual. It involves me driving to school an hour
before my class starts, and biding my time at the campus coffee house,
playing around on one of the Macs and trying to drown out the jukebox
every time the resident "free spirit" employee there decides he's retro
because he plays one of the same two Beatles songs on it. Naturally, I
use this hour to do things more meaningful than updating my blog. I
don't owe you anything.

So the other day, as I was browsing at LOLcats.com for pictures of
hilarious pussy (LOL CUZ PUSSY MEANS CAT) when I decided to send
somebody a text message exclaiming how hilarious it is that this one cat
looks sad and wants his cheezburger. I'm serious, I love cat pictures.
On my home computer, I have a folder dedicated to all of my 4chan
findings, and it's chock full of three things: hentai, loli pix, and
captioned cat pictures. I love that shit.

Apparently, I'm not supposed to love that shit. This chick I know, when
I showed her a link to the site, tells me "I almost forgot you were a
girl when it comes to stuff like that." Well excuse me. I almost forgot
that it's a perfectly respectable lifestyle decision to don a strap-on
and take it to another chick and then raise some kids, and it's also
very acceptable for a guy to gauge his ears to the point where I can
shove my dick through his lobe and still have room for 1.5 more of my
dicks... but as soon as a guy cracks up at a picture of a frumpy looking
fat cat with the caption "BRING ME THE WOOKIEE AND CAPTAIN SOLO" he is
considered "a girl" and as such, unappealing to other girls (not to
mention uncool in the eyes of male peers.) Sadly, this does not make me
enough of a girl to fuck some fine-ass lesbians because A.) I'm not
ENOUGH of a girl, and B.) Because the term "fine-ass lesbian," when
applied to real life circumstances, is usually an oxymoron.

The reason for all of this is because society is full of shit. When the
general population claims to be accepting of people who are unique and
different, it only applies to when there is a considerable, vocal group
of people who fit into a certain category. We accept that they're
"normal" as the rest of us, and that we should sing songs of joy and
praise towards their differences.
In all reality, we only accept a difference when it becomes a trend
popular enough to accept. Take the 80's, for example. Some of the gayest
fashion trends ever existed in that decade, and yet back then it was
more or less acceptable to wear a bright orange bandana on your forehead
and then say with a straight face (no pun intended) "Yeah, I love
chicks."
Now? I wear a black "FOR THE HORDE" hoodie with the hood up over my hair
and my peers inform me it makes me look "creepy." Come to think of it, I
get told I'm creepy just by trying to talk to girls, so I don't know how
to explain that.

Fashion, of course, merely scratches the surface of what is considered
acceptable. Sitting around playing video games used to earn you the
label of a geek with no life. Now? Guys openly talk about which shooters
they like on Xbox. MMORPG's were previously considered nerdy as all
hell; now with World of Wacraft officially hitting the 10 million
subscriber mark, I can walk around campus in my aforementioned Horde
sweatshirt and regular-looking guys will come up and ask me what class I
play. Sometimes. I still get quite a few fat-encrusted uber-dorks
lisping about the Alliance at me. See what happened? Playing an online
fantasy game is now not only considered normal and acceptable, but it's
almost borderline on "cool." Unfortunately, it is still not cool enough
to garner me the attention of hot gamer chicks who would have me plow
them from behind while they level my Mage for me, but we're getting
there. Baby steps, people, baby steps.

Oh, and let's not forget another big contender in being an individual:
Music. I've said in a prior rant that I hate when people say they listen
to "all kinds" of music. Yet, many of these people tend to pick to one,
maybe two genres and whore out on it. Or they just like whatever the
radio plays on whatever hip-hop/rap/country station they have soldered
into their radio's presets. The diversity comes from there being people
who like mostly rap, or mostly dance, or mostly hard rock, metal, or
mostly country. There's very little diversity in the average individual
person, however. Oh sure, some kids like to turn their nose up at
"mainstream" radio by filling their mp3 players with as many obscure
Indie bands as possible (work faster, kids! Indie is catching on in the
public scene and more and more Indie bands are getting the limelight!)
But guess what happens when I play some Linkin Park around them; they
turn their nose up in disgust at what an awful band they are. Same when
I play rap around metal fans, or Indie around rap fans. And practically
everybody around rolls their eyes when I roll out with the smooth jazz.
Oh, and chiptunes? Or video game music?? Forget it! And you can forgot
symphonic goth rock. The farthest most people get to goth rock is Tool,
and Tool fucking sucks. I can get away with playing HIM though; They're
not too offensive to the anti-trend crowd, and the trendy crowd likes
them because Bam Margera likes them, too.

One time at work, I was playing a soundtrack on my iPod speakers. A girl
walks by and asks, with disgust in her voice, what I was listening to.
When I pointed out that the orchestrated score she was hearing was from
the first Pirates of the Caribbean movie, a smile stretched across her
face, and she exclaimed "Oh cool!! I love that!" Suddenly, listening to
an orchestra is okay

The point of this is, when you like a wide variety of music, all it does
is piss people off who can't accept anything outside their own range of
tastes. Most of us aren't that diverse or unique, nor do we possess that
much of an element of individuality. Society is just more accepting of
different genres of life. Just not when you mix genres.

I'm the kind of guy who could best be described as a cat-loving chubby
heterosexual male who enjoys blowjobs (from girls,) 8-bit NES music,
covers of the Popcorn song, and has a Captain Jack Sparrow poster on his
wall. As such, nobody will ever love me. Woe is me.

My night at the whore house.

2008-01-13T13:19:00.001-07:00

To commemorate my last night off for a while, I celebrated last night by
spending $13 on beer and drinking at the hot tub with two other topless
(and probably aroused due to the sheer sexual prowess of my pasty white
oatmeal belly) men.

After the roommate decided he had enough drinking and not enough
gold-farming in WoW, it was just myself and Josh Slayer, my cohort. We
conversed with two other dudes who showed up with a fully-clothed girl
whom they were probably gonna Eiffel Tower if we weren't there, and then
decided to head home. Slayer thumbed his nose at his suspended license
so that I could avoid suffering a similar drunken fate as he did.

In that .25 mile stretch between pool and home, he asked a question that
would forever change our lives, "So are we going home or what?" to which
I responded with an answer that would seal our fates for good, "yeah
sure, I mean where else are we gonna go? A strip club?"

I was almost certain I heard my tires squeal to a halt as Slayer slammed
on the breaks. It was 3:00 in the morning when that unforgettable grin
spread across his face which could best be summed up as a cross between
receiving a blowjob and receiving a blowjob from an eight year old boy.
"Let's fuckin' do it."

We rushed inside and changed clothes. I gelled my hair up so I looked
sort of like an Italian Super Saiyan, and he scoured the internet for a
"good" strip club that would be open that late. He assured me I would
"get some pussy tonight" although I'm sure he meant "pussy" in the slang
term for "blue balls."

He found one, no cover, open 24 hours, in Phoenix. We hopped in the car,
cranked up the Rake Yohn music on the iPod, and were on our way.

I reminded him frequently to keep it under 75 or else suffer ruining his
life even more... all for blue balls. He reminded me to suck his cock
and cut a few more people off on the freeway.

After some driving in what looked like an Industrial Zone from Simcity,
we weaved around some warehouse lots and arrived at our destination.
Four other suave young gentlemen from Prescott came at the same time,
with dreams of fame and fortune etched in their eyes. We approached the
door and... rang the doorbell?? A scantily clad blonde answered the
door, looking like she was fighting her 35 years of age with as much
plastic surgery as possible. Her friend joined her, a raven-haired
fake-titted classy lady who was gracefully welcoming her 40's with...
also as much plastic surgery as possible. The four dudes behind us were
told to wait outside, as they could only accomodate two clients at the
same time. This turned out to be owing to the fact that this "club" was
inhabited only by these two women.

They frisked us and had us empty our pockets, waving a magnet wand
around us like we were at the gosh-damned airport. They explained it was
a one-on-one show, and escorted us into our own rooms to show us "menus"
of their "services." I was nervous as hell, not in a "I'm gonna see
boobies" way moreso than a "I'm in some backalley brothel in Phoenix and
I'm gonna regret something tomorrow morning" way.

The black-haired granny showed me the menu, which consisted of three
categories: non-erotic bikini, erotic bikini, and full-contact erotic
bikini. No "NO CLOTHES AT ALL LMAO" option at all! The items under each
category consisted of different allotments of time, followed by
different overinflated prices. The minimum option, a non-erotic
bikini... something, for ten minutes. $60. It just escalated from there,
in five minute increments and way more in cost. Reluctantly, I picked
the minimal option, to which she suggested I pick more because, it's
"saturday night and we're really busy." I asked what she recommended,
and she suggested the biggest package ever, valued at a whopping $300.
She led me to a sleazy ATM, also encouraging me to take out some money
for "tips" as well.
I peaced out, claiming I needed to make a phone call. I was told if I
go, they'll have to let somebody else in, because it's, again, a busy
saturday night, and that I'll have to be searched again when I return.
On my way out, I saw Slayer leave his room as well, with the same
frightened look in his eyes as I. They handed us a large stack of
business cards to give to our friends, the cards touting it as a
gentlemen's club with no cover!

We sped back home, still at awe over what we had nearly come close to
doing. I asked Slayer that next time we decide to go to a strip club, we
try somewhere were we don't have to ring a doorbell. My life will never be the same.

How can I listen to my smooth jazz with these hoodlums ganking my stuff??

2008-01-12T18:39:00.001-07:00

Who the hell steals a car antenna? What's the point? Are they like, a
high commodity on the black market? Are they hard to come by? I've been
wondering all week why the gay-ass dance station I listen to has hardly
been coming in, because I've been having a strange urge to listen to
some lisp-crazy ads for establishments such as "Dick's Hang Out," a gay
bar with a name so creative and hilarious, even I want to go there. And
the ad is great because they put the accent on "Dick's" instead of
"Hang," so you know there will be, in fact, an abundance of dicks
hanging out. I LOVE DIX

Anyway, I noticed this morning that the antenna was not only missing,
but there is apparently a threaded hole it can be screwed into. This
wasn't just a case of "oops, the baby threw a cinder block out the
window and it took out the poor shmuck's antenna behind us again." Some
asshole actually took the time to unscrew that bastard off my car. The
only explanation I can think of is I got randomly involved, by some
motherfuck of a mishap in luck, in a horrible chain of assfucking
involving people stealing other peoples' antennae to replace their own,
and I ended up on the newest business end. Of all the people.

Well I won't have it. Since I evidently don't have enough of a following
yet to trust any of my readers to buy me a new one, I won't be adding a
new car antenna to my Amazon Wishlist. But be warned, evil-doers, the
sniper rifle of justice has been drawn, and it's now pointed out my open
window. Make my day.

Unless you're providing me with something to beat off to, I don't give a flying fuck how "half-gay" you think you are.

2008-01-04T19:50:00.000-07:00

Let's get one thing straight: Girls, we don't want you identifying with
us, so stop trying. Most of us like our chicks over on their side of the
gender line, and if we want any of you relating to us in any way, it's
usually in the way girls never even bother relating to: logic. That, and
shutting the fuck up about me playing video games, or better yet,
joining me. Sadly, most girls who are into gaming insist on trying to
prove that they can beat men at something, so they pull this whole "I
can beat guys at any game" act, because how we move our fingers on a
controller really decides which gender is superior.

As such, please, for the love of all things holy, stop using variations
of the line "I can't stand other girls." Whether it's to relate to a
dude's past girlfriend woes or just to excuse yourself from going out
with a bunch of guys who your boyfriend knows all want to fuck you, stop
acting like you hate chicks for the same reason us guys do. You don't
have to deal with them on the level we do, and if you seriously can't
get along with any girls out there, it doesn't tell us it's because
you're cooler than them, or "one of the guys" so much as it tells me
that you're such a coniving, twisted, sadistic cunt that not even the
cuntiest of all the cunts out there can tolerate you. Either that, or it
just means you're an attention-starved whore who loves knowing many
different guys want you.

Chicks especially need to quit pulling this shit when they're settled
down with a guy. Fuck you and your "jealousy is such a turn-off" card
that you play on us, any guy who DOESN'T feel threatened by the idea of
you hanging out with a pack of other guys is just being dishonest with
himself and is actually a spineless pussy - which ironically, girls hate
and end up dumping so that they may move on to one of their manlier
"friends."
Want to know why we get jealous about that shit? Not necessarily because
we don't trust you moreso than we dread what happens when "one of the
guys" has a falling out with us and runs to hang out with her
guy-friends, leaving us at home to stew and wonder if maybe she decided
that was the last straw and is now out getting filled out like a job
application.
Ever hear about girls who talk about their boyfriends and bring up how
"we were really good friends, first. That's how we connect so well"?
Yeah, that's why guys don't like their girlfriends hanging out with
other guys - they're VULTURES. There is no universal "guy code" we
follow, forbidding ourselves from betraying our fellow man by fucking
his mate. Hell, it's hard enough to follow the "don't fuck your friend's
girlfriend" rule as it is, do any of you honestly believe that a guy
would (assuming appropriate sex appeal of the female) turn down a sexual
opportunity just because "well, we were friends for so long, I'd hate to
spoil it." Girls don't even turn that shit down, unless their male
friend is fat, then suddenly the sanctity of their friendship is too
hallowed to desecrate.

If you really want to rub elbows with the guys, stop trying to trash
girls with them, stop hanging out with them, and certainly stop acting
like you like football or whatever (even if you do like that shit, you
don't have to express it as much as some of these women do. Guys
whooping and hollaring over a touchdown is bad enough. Chicks doing it
is even more annoying.) The best way to relate to another man is through
his mind, which sadly, most girls can't seem to comprehend. Honestly,
we're not that complicated, we just think rationally. This means let go
of that stupid "I'm always right" standard all women tend to live by and
pretend you're not the center of the universe in every scenario. No,
they didn't fuck your Frappucino up because the bitch behind the counter
was jealous of your shade of eyeshadow, and no, that guy didn't cut you
off, you just turned left at a red arrow you dumb bitch. Stop being so
fucking stupid and be smart. You can start by not believing it's always
okay to have guy-friends exclusively.

The "one of the guys" shit continues when girls claim they find other
girls attractive.
Chances are, if you are reading this, you are not bisexual. How can I
make this claim? I can say this because practically every occurrence of
bisexuality is total bullshit.

It is human nature to like the opposite sex. No, don't get all pissy
because I'm not pandering to PC liberal idealology by saying people are
born gay or straight, you're either born straight, born into a setting
that psychologically turns you gay, or (unlikely worst-case scenario)
you're born with some sort of chemical or emotional defect. Or a
combination of the latter two. That's right, I said DEFECT. What this
means is, if you're gay, I don't give a rat's ass, just don't expect me
to believe it was part of nature's plan.

That being said, this isn't a discussion of whether homosexuality is
right or wrong, but a plea to the girls out there to stop flaunting "IM
BI LOL" like it's something that makes you cool or appealing.

First off, unless you're inviting me into a threesome, I don't give a
flying fuck how many pairs of tits you find "hot." I don't care who of
the vaginal persuasion makes you wet, and for fuck's sake, stop saying
something gives you a "chick boner." Who comes up with this shit,
anyway?? It's like humanity is on an undeterred crash course towards
proving to the rest of the universe that we're the most inane,
nonsensical form of intelligent life out there. And leading it are the
females. Does that offend some of you? Take note of all the
relationships you've come across where the men are subserviant to
whatever decisions their wives made. We grow to accept the idiocy women
engage in if we expect to get laid.

Oh, and don't tell me you'd "fuck" that chick over there either, because
you can't. Because you ain't got no cock. I do. I'll fuck that chick
over there (or dream about it.) You'll bleed out of that hole between
your legs once a month and bitch about it.

Second, stop finding maneuvers in conversations to throw in the fact
that you find other girls attractive, or are "bisexual." Nobody cares
that you have fucked up your emotions so much that you think you can
date a guy, then date a girl and get the same satisfaction out of it.
Oh, what? You prefer one over the other, you say? That doesn't make you
"60% bi" or whatever drivel these whores come up with; That makes you a
CONFUSED hetero/homosexual, not some chic Hot Topic-esque fad for us to
ooh and ahh over.

Even if you claim to be straight but "think some girls are hot" I don't
fucking want to hear about it, because it does nothing for me but annoy
me like any other senseless crap you have to say about yourself. Big
fucking deal, you agree with me that some chick bending over in
Hollister has a nice ass. What, are we gonna go halves on her? Does this
mean we have more in common? Why the fuck do I care about you comparing
broads with me?

Girls, for some reason, find other girls attractive. It could be because
girls are naturally more effeminate and closer with each other than guys
tend to be. You hardly hear two guys saying "man, check out that dude's
tight ass" in casual conversation, whereas you're more likely to hear
two chicks saying "Man, look at her ass. I wish mine looked like that,"
or whatever. Women have a stronger bond, so it would make sense for a
degree of sexuality to rub off on each other.
Add to that the environment we're growing up in. Kids can turn the tv on
and tune in to Jessica Simpson walking around with her clit hanging out
of her jeans, and they grow up desiring that look; it would make sense
for a hint of sexual confusion to set in and for girls to convert some
of their admiration into a limited degree of attraction. Most guys
operate differently, you don't usually hear hetero guys talk about how
much they'd love to cornhole Justin Timberlake over a bite at Panda
Express, unless you're hanging out with my crew. Most of my friends are
fucking queers, you see.

The only woman I would care about being "bi" (in the attraction
department, not the "If we broke up I think I'm gonna munch box next
relationship I get in" kind,) would be my girlfriend/wife, because that
would be one step closer towards the perfect relationship.

Imagine it. If we both go out and she acknowledges how hot a certain
girl is, it means one of two things:
A. That I'm allowed to bring that girl home, or
B. That I'm allowed to look at that girl without fear of divine
retribution back at home, meaning I'm in a very healthy relationship
with a woman who actually has a decent head on her shoulders.

Otherwise, keep your pseudo-ambiguous-sexuality out of my face. You love
men just as much as any other tramp out there.

Organized Religion never hurt anybody.

2008-01-04T19:40:00.001-07:00

I don't intend on getting back on the anti-atheist rant I started
before, but this something I gotta hear all the time.

Stop hating organized religion, because chances are you don't really
know why you hate it. Oh, what, in church they called you a sinner for
listening to devil-worship music and piercing your nose? Get over it.
Religion starts wars? What doesn't start wars?? Separation of church and
state? Boo hoo, they say "one nation under God" at school, and display
the ten commandments at court. We're so repressed. Let me know the
second you're thrown in jail merely for being the "wrong" religion -
like they do in China - and I'll shed a bit of sympathy for you.

Otherwise, all these people are doing is hating one entire group of
people (or at least their lifestyle) for some stupid shit some of them
did. It's not okay to treat gays or minorities like that. I had nothing
but bad experiences with black kids in high school, doesn't mean I
should go around hating niggers. No, I just learned to separate the
niggers from the decent, well-adjusted blacks who live here. But as soon
as it comes down to "organized" religion, namely Christianity, it's okay
to bash it (because currently Islam is too much of a hot-button issue to
hate on. Otherwise they'd be taking the brunt of it; at least Christians
let women walk around without towels covering their heads.)

What bugs me the most is I hear it from every walk of life, it's like
the hip thing to say to make everybody feel at ease about you. I have a
friend who's a Christian who "hates" organized religion so he can look
cool to non-Christians and feel less guilt over all of the iniquity he
commits, and I've come across countless atheists/agnostics/pseudo-pagans
who try to sound as accepting as possible by saying they hate organized
religion as well, kind of implying that there's this window open for you
and your non-organized faith, to avoid being potentially owned in an
argument of which they have nothing to share beyond "DO THE CRUSADES
RING A BELL??" and "NEVER AGAIN BURNING TIMES." Just say "It's ORGANIZED
religion that I have a problem with" with emphasis on "organized" and
you can get away with sharing your mis-guided opinions without offending
people. If you're religious, the non-religious think you're hip enough,
whereas if you're not religious, the religious will believe you're not
including them in your vitriolic rant.

Nobody ever explains what exactly they consider "organized." Is it just
going to church? Tithing? Or is it following a specific book of rules
entirely that turns people off? Nobody specifies because they usually
don't think; it's merely easier to sound like lyrics from an angsty
Godsmack song than to actually say what you hate about religion. Oh
yeah, I forgot, it's "mind control." You people are so fucking stupid.

Even Hitler knew how to have a good time.

2008-01-04T19:30:00.001-07:00

Being the lonely chud that I am, I used to spend quite a bit of time on
sites like match.com and plentyoffatsinglemothers.com in a feeble
attempt at getting some desperate, overweight vagina to bob on my knob.
I would also browse MySpace when I was bored, to look at random chick's
profiles and then send them messages telling them I would give them
money if they'd send me loli pix.

During these sessions of boredom, I'd come across a lot of profiles of
girls who list their interests, and they all had one thing in common:
THEY ALL LIKE TO "HAVE FUN."

Give me a fucking break. Telling me you like to have fun tells me
nothing. Hitler liked to have fun, only his methods of fun involved
turning Jews into lamp shades. If somebody just says they like to have
fun, I'm going to assume they like doing sick, anti-semetic arts and
crafts, too.

What burns me even more is when somebody describes themselves, or
somebody else, as a "fun-loving" guy/girl. Again, all this tells me is
the person is probably morally opposed to being bored.

Another similar pet peeve is listing "music" as an interest on a
profile. No shit, everybody likes music, but the question is, what KIND
of music?? Chances are, when I pop open a myspace profile and my
computer chokes on dick loading the 87 different band pictures and my
finger gets sore from scrolling through the huge list of various indie
and emo bands someone likes, I have it established that they do not, in
fact, hate music.

But what really gets me is the people who, when in a position where they
have to describe themselves, say "music is my life." Sorry, unless
you're in a successful band and dedicate free time towards learning one
or more instruments, while exposing yourself to as many different music
and shows as you can, music is just another hobby of yours. Having 7
different variations of punk rock or hard rock on your iPod, and
listening to more obscure shitty indie bands than mainstream bands while
driving to a used CD store to look for vinyls of a new album that just
came out doesn't make music your life; it makes it a hobby. It also
makes you an anti-trendy bastard.

I play World of Warcraft in my spare time, but that doesn't make WoW my
life. Dealing with snotty old people and masturbating would be my life
if I had to pick something. Not at the same time, of course.

Calling somebody an "asshat" makes you look like an "asshole."

2008-01-04T19:27:00.001-07:00

I grew up learning that if you want to insult somebody's intelligence or
ignorance, you call them an idiot, or a moron, or a fuckface, or the
name of some various naughty body part. Nowadays, kids use a new term to
talk down to people they think they're better than: Asshat.

It took me a while to figure out what asshat means, and I'm a pretty
smart guy. For those still in the dark, it's used to describe somebody
who has their head up their ass. Get it?? GET IT?!

Problem is, asshat is a pretty vague, really stupid-sounding term.
These douches would high five each other, thinking they thoroughly owned
somebody for displaying ignorance on which Gundam is the most powerful,
not realizing that "asshat" sounds about as insulting as calling someone
a "dumbdumbhead." You're calling me a hat that's worn on your ass? Or
your donkey? Or am I a hat that is shaped like an ass? What??

There are a variety of things to call people that are far more
insulting, that the need for "asshat" is nonexistant. For instance, I
just call everybody fags. See, this way I'm insulting the heteros who
don't like being called gay, the liberals who gasp at the slightest
reminder of hatemongering, AND the homosexuals at the same time! It's a
win-win-win situation!!

Asshat is not a clever, well-thought way of insulting somebody. Neither
is r-tard, e-tard, fuckwit, fucktard, or any combination of words
involving "fuck" or "retard." (Other than fuckface, which is a classic.)
Using the f-word doesn't make you sound cool, hell, it doesn't make me
sound cool, either. What does make me sound cool is the fact that I'll
never call anybody an asshat.

I'm intriguing? You're a jerk-off.

2008-01-04T19:23:00.001-07:00

Sometimes, when I argue with a fuckface online, he likes to drop the
topic and taunt me for how angry he thinks I'm getting. He'll base this
on certain exclamations I've made. Usually, I counter this by pointing
out the varying degrees of excitement in some of his arguments, to which
I'm retorted with the following:
"Oh, I'm not angry. I'm just intrigued."
Or sometimes "I just find you intriguing."

Fuck you. Intrigue and anger are two entirely different feelings,
asshole.

This usually happens online, where it's easier to mask verbal emotion.
This is a very cheap, condescending tactic that accomplishes nothing, as
all it does is insinuate that you're this fucked up test subject, and
the other person is a person of higher intelligence studying you. If
they seem excited in any of their arguments, it's not because you could
possibly be getting to them, it's merely that they are so interested in
the discussion that they're that gung-ho about it. You, on the other
hand, are apparently worked up into a mad rage over something trivial,
meaning they have the upper hand and, while they may not be making a
single decent point, have succeeded in pissing you off. Apparently
that's how you win an argument, by pointing out how the other person is
quicker to anger than you are. Whatever.

Another similar thing that boils my blood is when people (and yes, I've
seen this more than once) use asterisk-emotes in a message/chat to
insinuate they're drinking tea. I'm serious, I'm actually complaining
about this and have multiple experiences of it to go by. They'll post a
calm-yet-snide remark, usually implying in so many words that you're an
ignoramus, and then they go *sits back and sips his tea.*
Oh-ho-ho aren't you a civilized intellectual! You can role play that
you're drinking TEA! Because tea is what smart people drink!
All the tea in china doesn't cover up the fact that you're skirting
around the topic and resorting to flaming somebody with a thesaurus.

And speaking of thesauruses (thesauri?) I loved how whenever I'd argue
with somebody (again, online) using my normal form of vocabulary,
they'll suddenly step it up a notch and go all out on $5 words just to
sound impressive, without actually making any better points. I'd give
examples, but that would make me even worse, for I'd be using a
thesaurus just to mock people who use one.

Finally, I'm tired of the phrase "arguing over the internet is like
running in the special olympics; even if you win, you're still
retarded." First of all, why am I retarded? Why is a discussion of
opposing viewpoints suddenly ridiculous if the medium is a computer?
Second... why am I retarded?? Third, IT'S NOT WITTY ANYMORE.

I don't argue online much these days, because it's a waste of time. You
can't win an argument with somebody who refuses to comprehend what you
wrote, and it just seems like we've bred a generation of retards who
can't seem to accept the possibility that they may be wrong about
anything. Maybe that phrase I hate has a point, after all.

The unreleased rants.

2008-01-04T19:05:00.001-07:00

Not too long ago, J.R.R Tolkein's son or whomever published a book his
father had written. That shit is weird as hell.

To avoid weirding people out, I'm gonna post a bunch of mini-rants (if
you can even call them mini) in a row tonight, so in case I'm hit by a
bus tomorrow, my post-mortem fame won't make my family nearly as much
money as they'd like.

If you exceed the express lane item limit, you're an asshole.

2008-01-04T01:21:00.001-07:00

Tonight was fun. I used my brand new gym membership to go to the gym (as
opposed to burying it in Ding Dong wrappers like any other fat kid would
do.) (Also: remind me to write down "ding dong wrapper" on my growing
list of clever names for a condom.) Tonight, I just worked my abs a
little, then mastered the stair master. I was still sore from last
night's work-out session and not anal sex, you see.

So after the workout, I came home, invited my sister over to watch
Superbad with me, did (not ate) a ton of unintentional donuts in Forza
on my new Xbox 360 (WHY IS VIDEO GAME DRIVING HARDER THAN THE REAL THING
AND WHY THE F IS BRAKING SUCH A DRASTIC PAIN IN MY ASS) and also cooked
some raviollis for us to eat. Some day, this blog - paired with my
oft-used gym membership - will get me so knee-deep in bitchmeat that I
can have girls over who aren't related to me to eat my raviolli. And
yes, that is a double entendre for sucking on my ballz.

I had considered all that I could write about tonight, and so far all
I've come up with is one major challenge: I must write some entertaining
yarn about how shitty people are when they carry too many items into the
express lane.
"lol thats ez," you're probably thinking, "nebody cna rite about tht
bcuz evry1 h8s when that hapens."

Yes, exactly! Everybody can relate to it, which means not only would I
not be potentually offending anybody with this, but due to how common
the subject matter is, people have complained about it many times over!
When I find myself ripping off Dave Barry columns, I know I've gone too
far. (After all, ripping off Maddox is bad enough.)

So therein lies the challenge; I must write about this, and present it
in a way that is fresh and refreshing, like a cold Arnold Palmer on a
hot sweaty summer afternoon in the South African jungles with a bunch of
coke-harvesting dope pushers. I love the term "dope," because it can be
used to define any drug. Heroin, crack, speed, even pot, I've heard been
referred to as "dope." It's quite confusing, really. Sorry, I'm
procrastinating. Here goes...

Did you ever notice how at the grocery store... aw hell, now I'm ripping
off Jerry Seinfeld. Here's hoping I don't rip off his unfunny sense of
humor.

There comes a time in a person's life, where they must come to terms
with a very important moral question concerning the state of their soul.
That question is "Am I a total asshole?" Unfortunately, this question
usually arises at the grocery store.

Express lanes have been present in grocery stores since the early 1820s,
back when the indians used to visit the local general store to pick up
their daily supplies of roll o' ground beef, lard (for making frybread,)
and Steel Reserve. There, now I offended somebody in this post.
Anyway, back in the day, President Hugo Weaving Jr. signed a bill into
our constitution, called the "Reasonable Overlimit Act." What this
amendment did was defined an amount of items over the guidelines of an
express lane. Back in the day, the limit was capped at approximately 40%
over the listed express limit. So if the limit is 10 items, you'd be
allowed a maximum of 14 items before I started giving you dirty looks
and going all out on dropping your eggs in the fucking bag.

To this very day, less and less people are aware of this common
courtesy, opting instead to schlep an entire cart full of fucking canned
goods under the alibi of "oh what? I didn't see the sign." Then they all
do the same thing and proceed to look up and all around every direction
EXCEPT where the sign is, as if to indicate that it's OH SO HARD to
spot.

It's not hard. First of all, most stores designate the first couple
registers as express. And those that don't and like to do something
weird like making register 6 the 24 items or less lane, they also like
to erect huge signs that you can see anywhere in the store, saying
where the lane is.

Also, usually when the big lane number over a register is lit up, that
means the register is open. When it's not lit up, that means I am going
on a break to eat some Oreo fat-ass snack cakes and hit on the cute
cashier next to me who - while very unlikely that my advances will cause
her to want to go out with me - makes hilarious faces like the Berries &
Creme guy from that Starburst commercial whenever I get descriptive
about anal sex.

Oh, and no splitting orders between people in your party, either. Saying
half of this shit is your mother's and then handing her your debit card
just means I'm going to get vindictive with the grocery bagging and
probably mix the orders up on purpose. Which probably doesn't matter
seeing as how it's all one order, anyway.

Moving along, there's no good reason to ever break the sacred code of
the express lane. Being in a hurry and "every other lane was full" is
not reason. It's just another way of saying "I'm a self-centered asshole
who smacks my husband around and secretly wants to drown my kids in the
above-ground pool we could barely afford in the back yard." Or something
like that.

There, I did it. Now I'm off to go clean up after our dinner mess and
jerk off in the left-overs.

Less downloading scat porn, more commenting.

2008-01-02T18:30:00.001-07:00

To those who actually read my drivel, I have some news to share.
Apparently Blogger allows you to comment on posts on here using your
LiveJournal account or AIM screen name.

So start leaving me comments disagreeing with me and calling me an
asshole, so I have things I can delete during the day.

New Years Peeve

2007-12-31T19:29:00.000-07:00

I'm pretty annoyed with how this coming evening appears to be turning
out. My roommate is sick, so he won't be able to do much for too long
tonight, and my other friend is an idiot and can't drive because of a
DUI he got. If I have to be designated driver again, I'm going to
perpetrate a bloody car accident just to spite them all. My other
friends don't care to invite me out, and all the girls I talk to on here
who aren't interested in me are either hanging out with their
boyfriends, their family, or both. But this post isn't to make anybody
feel sorry for me.

A new year is nearly upon us, so it's time to make some resolutions I
will probably never follow up on. I know this year, I intend on avoiding
my resolutions a little bit less than I did last year. Here's what I
resolve to get done for 2008.

1. Stop being such a dick.
Haha! Just kidding, you should've seen the looks on your faces. I'll
stop being a dick when people decide to stop deserving it.

1. Lose a bit of weight.
Basically enough to thin out my face a little and lose some of this
belly. That way my boss can stop making fat jokes at me and double up on
the pedophile jokes.

2. Stop failing my classes.
I think if I stop taking online courses I should be fine. Of course,
this resolution may conflict with the following...

3. Attain level 70 in World of Warcraft.
I'm going on three years of playing and I've barely touch Outland. It's
time to settle on a class I enjoy playing and keep at it.

4. Stop hating women so much.
They give me numerous reasons on a daily basis to despise them, but as
much as I relish doing it, hating bitches doesn't make them stop being
bitchy. It only makes more bitchy.

5. Stop rubbing in what complete idiots practically every woman alive
is.
Even if they don't know what they want, or want the wrong things, or
break down at the slightest thing, or can't stop getting pregnant out of
wedlock, that doesn't mean I should point out their folly around every
corner.

6. Stop making the claim that women deserve whatever abuse they get in
their relationships.
Because all I'm doing is victimizing the victim. It's not their fault
they're in situations where they're belittled and endangered. It's not
like they can get out of these situations, and at least their children
aren't being affected by it! I really ought to lighten up.

7. Stop yelling at the retards I work with.
And by retards, I mean those who are literally retarded... and oh all
right, the figuratively retarded, as well.

8. Stop making jew jokes.
It's really not funny. There is nothing funny about comparing a jew to a
pizza, even if pizzas don't scream when you put them in the oven. It's
cruel and insensitive and just plain wrong. The one about fitting as
many in an ashtray as possible is even less hilarious to tell at
parties.

9. Stop making nigger jokes.
It's racist and wrong, and it makes me sound like I hate niggers. Well I
do not hate niggers. I love niggers, and saying a black man differs from
a pizza because the pizza can feed a family of four is a horrible thing
to say at the dinner table with my family, no matter how hard it would
make my dad laugh.

10. Stop making Christopher Reeve jokes.
There's only one that I know of, and it's "Who's the opposite of
Christopher Reeve? Christopher Walken." I need to stop telling that
joke, not necessarily because it's insensitive but because I've already
exhausted the joke many times over among all of my peers.

11. Stop shouting about how much I don't like dick with my roommate.
Even though I don't in fact like dick. Also, no more ad lib country
songs about homosexual incestual pedophelia, but that's mostly my
roommate who does that.

And finally, my number one resolution for the year 2008...

12. Clean out my fucking car.
This means no more school papers on the floor, no more soda cans, and
the trunk has to be emptied completely. The quarter of my wardrobe needs
to come out, as well as the Vader helmet from two Halloweens ago. I am
not Columbo, nor am I Darth Vader.

Thank you, and have a happy and safe New Year. IN HELL.

Your singing makes my ears bleed; please stop.

2007-12-30T19:19:00.000-07:00

I saw some chubby gay dude walking around with the same eyebrow pierced as me - his right, my left. I was assured by my certified piercologist that there was no gay or straight eyebrows, and yet every guy I see has his left eyebrow pierced, whereas I have my right. Well, me and the puff I just saw today. I hope this shit doesn't push me into the Friend Zone with girls even more than I already do without the piercing.

I hate when I go somewhere and happen upon chicks who sing out loud in public. I saw two girls today singing overtop some old-ass Avril Lavigne song. The song was so old, it was released back when Avril annoyed me, before I realized I wanted to bruise her cervix with my polished pink zweihander of +1 impaling. Every one of these girls sings the same way, that moderately high-pitched, note-stretching style that sounds like they wish they were Christina Aguilera or whatever. It's easy to do because girls naturally have higher-pitched voices than men, so singing along with female singers doesn't sound as bad.

Unfortunately for these two broads, it did sound bad, because they were singing along with Avril who just happens to have a not-so-feminine voice. So as a result, these chubby bitches sounded ridiculous trying to do their own soul renditions of Avril Lavigne's greatest hits.

And even if they were singing along with Mariah Fucking Carey, it's rude. I don't want to hear girls I don't know singing unless it involves me hitting a play button and hearing it out of speakers. Girls (heck, anybody) shouldn't assume that their voice is so pleasant to listen to that everybody wants to hear it. You wanna sing to yourself? Fine, I like to sing to myself, too. But there's a difference in volume between singing to yourself and singing loudly for all to hear. Even if your voice does sound nice, it doesn't mean others want to hear it.

What's even more retarded is when girls sing along to male singers, because it sounds even less like what it's supposed to and again sounds more like that chick-in-high-school-who-thinks-she's-hot-shit-because-she's-in-choir trying to bring attention to her beautiful voice, when in all actuality she sounds like every other girl from choir.

There's a reason these girls do not have their own record deal, it's because they don't have their own sound. Sounding a little bit like the generic mullato R&B starlet template just means you're able to sing, doesn't mean you're a good singer. Shut the fuck up.

A Very Foppy Christmas

2007-12-26T13:49:00.000-07:00

This has been a very obnoxious Christmas. It wasn't exactly miserable or
anything - I did receive a nice new Xbox 360, after all - but it was
fucking irritating nonetheless.

We got up at around 8, and didn't start opening gifts until nearly noon.
Between both of my parents having phone calls with their respective
sides of the family, us having breakfast, and each and every one of us
taking turns taking showers, it was finally at 11:30 when we broke into
our stockings. I normally don't mind because I prefer to prolong the
Christmas experience as much as possible, but I was feeling kind of
stupid sitting on the couch opening virtual presents in WoW on Christmas
morning because I had nothing better to do for the time being. Another
reason for the delay was due to my parents having to start up the turkey
and whatnot to be ready for some company we were getting at 2-3 in the
afternoon.

Normally, we have family over. My aunt, uncle and cousin drive over from
down the block (or vice versa) along with another uncle of mine, and we
eat and talk all day. I never get to see them anymore, and considering
they just recently moved out here from New Jersey a couple years back,
it's been a long stretch of years since I could spend holidays with
them.
My mother, for some reason, is sick of her family and decided that we'd
only have them over for dessert tonight, and in their place for dinner
we'd have... two random old couples from our neighborhood.

I work a customer-service-heavy job at a grocery store in a small town
inhabited mostly by retirees and snowbirds, which means for the past two
weeks straight, I've had to deal with their idiocy on a daily basis. My
mother seemed to have forgotten that I deal with the FOPs - Fucking Old
People - on a daily basis, as I get to spend Christmas listening to
their constant typing over what restaurants they want and their weak
attempts at humor.

Trying my hardest to ignore their irrelevant chatter and focus on
playing on my laptop (because God forbid I play Halo 3 on the television
nobody's using while the FOPs are here) I did my best to endure their
random, peculiar behavior. Like one of them sitting right next to me and
trying to glance over at what I'm doing. Like a naughty teenager trying
not to get caught looking at porn on a school computer, I'd minimize the
game I was playing every time I sensed them leering at me. I hate when
FOPs try to inquire on my gaming activities because it usually runs like
the following:

FOP: And what's this you're doing here?
ME: Playing a game.
FOP: What's this game called?
ME: World of Warcraft.
FOP: World of... War... what?
ME: (feeling even more awkward) ...craft. Warcraft.
FOP: What is it you have to do in this game?
...
Ever have to explain the games you play to your grandparents? It's an
uncomfortable feeling, because you know they probably think less of you
for sitting about in front of a screen when you should be reading a book
or kicking a soccer ball around. But when you have to tell them "What
I'm doing is killing these random animals and monsters here with my
spells, so I can get stronger and learn more powerful magic that I can
use with other people I play with online. Oh, that naked devil-girl
following me with a whip? That's a succubus; she's my demon servant" you
now sound like a lazy nerd AND a devil worshipper. At least when my
grandparents watched me play Civ 4 it was easy to explain to them that
I'm rewriting history for ancient civilizations by teaching my ally,
Ghandi, to make tanks so he can stop that asshole Julius Caesar from
pushing him around.

After my mom finished berating my dad in front of our guests, she tasked
me with the responsibility of putting some more Christmas music on.
Having never listened to Aaron Neville's Christmas album, I decided to
put that on. I would have enjoyed it more if the FOPs didn't come into
the living room to SLOW DANCE to that "Oh what a Christmas to have the
blues" song.

I left to go take a nap, foregoing on cheesecake until the house had
less old in it and more of my family. Next year, I'm asking that they
not invite these people over, as it's pretty hard to enjoy the company
of my family when they're too occupied with listening to stories about
the great flood of '34 or whatever.

Have a glass-half-empty Christmas.

2007-12-24T22:52:00.001-07:00

Merry Yiffmas, you furry fucks!

I'm at my parents, listening to Christmas music, drinking wine, and
looking for a secluded place to jerk off tonight without getting caught
and without being in the same room as Mary and Joseph. I have a lot of
rants written up from the past week that I need to touch up and post,
but until then, here's a little somethin' I wrote last year to keep all
of you entertained. And by "all of you" I mean "my entire audience of
just this girl I work with whom I'm a total dick to because I know I
probably won't ever get to fuck her."

For your reading pleasure, I have done my duty of pumping negativity
into this Christmas season, in the form of reviewing nearly all of the
Christmas songs I hate.
Let's get one thing straight here, first. I love Christmas music. I
listen to it all the time, fall asleep to it, drive to work with it, and
if I could manage to find a girl decent enough to sleep with me, I'd
probably be GETTIN GETTIN GETTIN GETTIN SOME HEAD to Christmas music,
too. There are just a few songs, okay a lot of songs, that drive me up
the gosh-damned wall.
If any of you have any Christmas songs you don't enjoy, feel free to
reply to this entry sharing them with me, and why! It'll be fun!
Merry Christmas!

Neil Diamond - You Make It Feel Like Christmas
Let's get one thing straight here, folks: There is never an excuse to
play Neil Diamond on the radio, aside from maybe "Sweet Caroline" when
I'm knocking back a few drinks at some trashy bar in Fountain Hills with
my coworkers. However, when Christmas time rolls around, the Christmas
station down here insists that nothing says holiday spirit like Neil's
bland banal voice crooning in my speakers about some generic drivel
about how whatever ficticious bint he's singing about makes - Get this -
Christmas feel like Christmas! What this song teaches me is that if I
find a girl who makes Christmas feel like, say, Easter or Halloween, I
should dump her ass to the curb. That, and I'm better off playing my
Vince Guaraldi A Charlie Brown Christmas album on loop when I'm driving
to work. Up yours, Neil Diamond.

Andy Williams - Happy Holidays / The Holiday Season
I hate Andy Williams. I hate him even more when he bastardizes a
Christmas classic with some shitty Santa Claus propaganda. I like "Happy
Holidays" because it's a cheerful song that helps make it feel like
Christmas better than Neil Diamond can. Andy, on the other hand, managed
to convert it to some self-indugling kiddie song, encouraging
materialism. Oh yes, let's "leave a peppermint stick, for old Saint
Nick," nice rhyme there, Andy. Let me try one like that. "Andy William's
a dick! He licks the prick!" See what I did there? I made my own rhyme
to that song, only I insinuated Andy William is a homosexual!

Frank Sinatra - Mistletoe and Holly
I hate- well, no, I don't hate Frank Sinatra. He was a great singer. I
just get cross with him every time I hear him singing this. This guy
gets the Perry Como award for coming up with shitty rhymes. Y'see,
apparently it's hard coming up with rhymes for "Holly," so he uses the
crappy made-up term "Golly." What a folly!
As if the lyrics aren't horribly contrived enough, they're played over
a repetitive plucking of strings, for the same two notes over and over.
But the main offense of this song is mainly the lyrics, especially when
Frank tries variations of the first line ("Oh by Gosh by Jingle / It's
time for Caroling and Kris Kringle.") Way to stuff way too many
syllables into that line.

Madonna - Santa Baby
The 1953 Eartha Kitt rendition of this song is great. It's a humorous,
tongue-in-cheek spoof on holiday materialism, and it's got a nice
mellow, Christmasy sound to it. So what does Madonna do? Make a sick
mockery of it, like she does with every new religion she switches to on
a weekly basis.
Seriously, this song makes me wish Santa would give me a '53
convertible this year, for the sole purpose of bulldozing it into
Madonna's whorish gaping maw of a vagina. I mean, her voice isn't all
that bad when I hear her sing some songs, so why does she go out of her
way to sound like some scary old aunt who's baby-talking her newborn
nephew? "I DONT MEAN ON THE PHONE ." Time goes by so slowly when I hear
this song.

Billy Corgan - Christmastime
Despite the fact that I despise Billy Corgan, this song would suck even
if Bing Crosby was doing it; and it's a little known fact that
practically any Christmas Song Bing Crosby sings turns into a gem. If
there were only two laws for Christmas, they would be A.) Never give
embalming fluid to anybody for a gift, especially your Lord and Savior,
and B.) It's impossible for Bing Crosby to ruin a Christmas song.
Let me tell you a little bit about how this song goes. Those in charge
of "A Very Special Christmas" contacted Billy Corgan and asked him to do
a Christmas song to make all the retards happy. Not wanting to follow
any particular trend and be labelled "scene" by his MySpace buddies,
Billy decided to do his own Christmas song. What we get is some generic
crap about how "Christmas time has come," and that there will be,
indeed, "toys for everyone." Thank you, Billy Corgan. You've touched me
in a very special way. And now I feel violated.

Bowie/Crosby - Little Drummer Boy/Peace on Earth
Here's a rather huge exception to the aforementioned Bing Crosby rule.
It also breaks the mold of David Bowie normally being awesome.
What they did here, was have a rather decrepit Bing Crosby groaning out
the first few lines of "Little Drummer Boy," with David Bowie warbling
some generic little ditty about there being peace on earth.
What's with this "peace on earth" shit, anyway? Peace on earth is
overrated. It used to be, when asked what they wanted for Christmas,
some people would think they're being cute and thoughtful by responding
with "PEACE ON EARTH ^^;;;;;" Yeah, that would be nice. We'd all like
peace, wouldn't we? Too bad it's not that easy. But hey, don't let me
stop anybody from writing contrived Christmas carols about how nice it
would be if everybody would all just get along. You're doing your part,
folks!

Elton John - Step into Christmas
Nice effort you put into this one, Elton. Even Billy Corgan had enough
sense to not put some tacky line into his song like "Welcome to my
Christmas song." And what kind of name is "Step into Christmas," either?
More like "STEP OUT OF THE CLOSET," am I right?? No wait, wait, I got
another one. More like... "STEP INTO BED WITH ANOTHER MAN," am I right?
Also, that stupid sound effect that plays when he goes down the scale
with his piano is obnoxious. Let's step into the next song, shall we?

Annie Lennox - Winter Wonderland
Winter Wonderland is a great song. Want to know what makes it not a
great song? Making the intro part of it sound creepy and psychotic, and
then breaking into a synthesized nightmare of mediocrity. She just HAD
to put a touch of weirdness into an otherwise classic carol.
Speaking of classic carols, Rush Limbaugh once did a hilarious parody,
back in the Clinton days, called "Walking in a Liberal Wonderland." I
need to fire up Limewire and download that, actually.

My Favorite Things
Who the fuck decided this was a Christmas song, anyway?! NEXT.

River
This actually isn't a bad song, at all. It's actually a very pretty
song. Unfortunately, it's also a very DEPRESSING song. When I think
Christmas song, I don't want to remember what a fuck-up I was in all of
my other relationships. I also don't want to cry and down an entire pint
of Ben & Jerry's Half-baked, either. Fuck you, Joni Mitchell.

Marshmallow World
This song was weird, because I seriously have NEVER EVER HEARD it
before until this year. And I wasn't missing much. What the hell is the
matter with this song? What makes this a marshmallow world? SNOW?? Snow
doesn't taste like marshmallow. It tastes like frozen water and probably
urine. Why are we singing about the sun looking as "red" as a "pumpkin
head" in a Christmas song, anyway? This song is just one more reason for
me to hate Dean Martin.

Rudolph the Red-nosed Reindeer.
And this is another reason. You guys ever hear Dean sing this? "RUDY
THE RED-BEAKED REINDEER??!!" That's real smooth, Dean. Halfway through
the song, when he sings Santa's lines ("Rudolph with your nose so
bright...") he puts on this 1/16th-assed accent. I don't know what it's
supposed to be, Russian or Swedish or something weird.
I also hate this song because I have yet to hear a version of it that
hasn't annoyed me to death. Rudolph was like the non-canon reindeer.
Even amidst the Santa Claus stories, Rudolph was a myth amongst myths.
It's like studying Greek mythology and suddenly hearing about
"Fagotopulous," this extra god who suddenly came out of nowhere to
spread his HIV all over the place. Just doesn't work for me, sorry.

We Wish You a Merry Christmas
This actually isn't that bad of a song. I tend to like the classics,
anyway (barring Rudolph and most of the other Santa songs.) This song
just makes it on THE LIST due to the meaning behind it. Let me sum it up
for you:
"This is a nice little holiday you got going on here, it'd be a shame
if something were to happen to it. Now bring us some figgy pudding,
see?? OR ELSE."
I have a problem with any Christmas song that encourages me to pay
confectionary protection to fucking carolers if I should hope to get any
peace of mind for the holidays.

Mary's Boy-child
Why?? I can respect the desire to write more Christmas songs about the
actual true meaning of Christmas, but WHY??? "Boy-child" just makes me
think of some kind of term NAMBLA would use. I especially hate the
version done by Boney M, this assfuck group that sounds like they wanted
to sound hip, but failed because the music sucks and the lead singer
overpronounces and mispronounces every syllable for no reason at all. It
sounds like this: "LAWNG TYME AH-GOE, EEN BETH-LEE-HEM, SOE THUH HOA-LEE
BUY-BUHL SEZ." Then they have the guy in the middle of the song trying
to sound like one of those douches from La Bouche or Real McCoy or some
other early 90s dance group.

I Want a Hippopotamus
I WANT TO PAINT THE WALL WITH MY BRAINS FOR CHRIIIISTMAAAS.

The 12 Days of Christmas
This isn't a Christmas song, it's some nursery school sing-along
attempt at teaching kids how to count. It's also way too repetitive for
it's own good. Know what's even worse? Hearing instrumental versions of
the song. Why would anybody do something like that??

Santa Claus is Coming to Town
This is another song where EVERY rendition is annoying, because it's
just a bad song. It's even worse, I'll add, when Bruce Springsteen or
the Jackson Five sing it. The former because Bruce just sounds drunk and
is laughing halfway through it, and the latter because Michael Jackson
was only worth listening to in that window of time after his balls
dropped and before he got them stuffed back into his mangina again.
I hate this song because it glorifies the whole "Gimme gimme" attitude
kids adopt at Christmas. That, and the song just goes downhill around
the time they start going on about Rummie-tum-tums and kids building a
toyland town in girl & boyland. Who comes up with this shit, anyway?

Frosty the Snowman
Yes, let's introduce the occult into Christmas. Because the Pagans
aren't obnoxious enough about what traditions we stole from them.

Jingle Bells
That's right, I hate Jingle Bells. It's just about as bad as the 12
Days of Christmas, plus it gave Barbara Streisand another excuse to
prove what a psycho hosebeast she is. The only good version of this song
is when Bing Crosby does it, because he has those broads singing the
chorus, and it's hilarious. "JIIINGLE BEEELS - J-JIIIINGLE BELLS,
JIIINGLE AAAAALL THE WAAA-AAAY." But that goes without saying, of
course, seeing as how it IS Bing "The Binganator" Crosby doing it.

Two Front Teeth
You know why that queer's two front teeth are missing? BECAUSE I THREW
A CINDER BLOCK AT HIS FAT FUCKING FACE.

Snoopy's Christmas
I guess somebody thought it would be cute to write a song about Snoopy
fighting the Red Baron in World War I. It's cute, I guess, because his
mortal enemy randomly "forces" Snoopy to land, where they have a drink
and go off their merry way. That's not cute, and I'll tell you why: The
Baron is TOYING with Snoopy. He knows he'd take Snoopy's stupid mutt ass
down to Chinatown, so he's screwing with him by making Snoopy go on the
next few months knowing he just had a drink with the guy who will be
gunning him down next time around. Yeah, Merry Christmas.

Up on the Housetop
Who wouldn't Go? How about the 6 billion+ people in the world who
aren't Santa Claus? This song sucks because it goes on and on about
Santa gloriously filling random made-up kids' stockings. And what kind
of kids are we talking about, anyway? One of them gets hammer, tacks,
and an actual whip that cracks. I don't know what kind of brutal S&M
nonsense that little shit is hoping to inflict, but I never expected
Santa would enable him. That kind of stuff is certainly what I would
consider "naughty list" material.

Nuttin' for Christmas
I actually never heard this song before, I just saw the name of it
while searching for songs I hate, and I just had to post it here because
it sounds like a great title for some yuletide porn.

Auld Lang Syne
This is not a Christmas song, it's a New years song. It's also a BAD
song. Dan Fogelberg does a spin-off of it that's tolerable, it just
suffers from "River" syndrome where it's a good song, but is too
depressing for its own good. Other than that, Auld Lang Syne sucks.

Feliz Navidad
I was going to make some off-color remarks about Mexicans, but it's
Christmas time, so I owe the world at least a few days of me not being a
racist for a change. For a song that has so little to say, it sure
sounds like an eternity before its over. This song sucks.

Go Tell It On The Mountain
This song sounds way too much like a church hymn for my liking. Well
sure, it IS technically a church hymn. It's just, most other traditional
Christmas songs don't make me think of people hootin' and hollerin' in
church like this one does. This song doesn't have enough Christmas
spirit in its tune, and why would anybody tell it on the mountain? It
would be more effective to witness in areas that are, oh I don't know,
inhabited by actual people.

Celebrate Me Home
This is the song you play after everybody has gone home after your
Christmas party, and you're too drunk to do anything besides lay on the
couch and not clean the vomit up off of the floor. This song also sounds
too depressing, but unlike River and Fogelberg's Auld Lang Syne, it's
not a GOOD song, it just SOUNDS SAD. NEXT!!!

Christmas Island
"How'd you like to spend Christmas on Christmas Island?" hoo-wee,
that's a good one! What genius came up with this marvel of a festive
Christmas carol? To answer your question, I would NOT like to hang my
stocking on a coconut tree. Being surrounded by desert and cacti is bad
enough.
If this song got any worse, Neil Diamond would be singing it, with
Billy Corgan on backup vocals. Or the other way around. Whichever would
sound worse. I honestly can't decide.

Mele Kalikimaka
Bing Crosby's version aside, this song sucks. I don't give a shit about
how they do anything in Hawaii. There's a reason God put it way out
there, and that reason is so I don't have to give a shit about it.
Thanks anyway for trying, Bing.

Do You Hear What I Hear?
I hear something I don't want to hear. Next.

Happy Xmas (War is Over)
Just couldn't bear to write "Christ" in there, could you? And what's
wrong with "Merry," anyway? Why can't the Brits understand that "Happy
Christmas" sounds stupid? Anyway, this song is stupid because, aside
from it being a chore to listen to, it's got some stupid anti-war agenda
tossed in amidst a very dreary theme of "You wasted another year of your
life. Uh, have a happy Christmas, I guess."

Simply Having a Wonderful Christmas Time
Yet another reason why any of the Beatles need to keep their hands off
of Christmas. What kind of attitude is that, anyway? "We're here
tonight, and that's enough?" It certainly describes how they felt about
writing this song. They didn't even try. Seriously, if anybody came to
my house for Christmas and said "I'm here tonight, without any gifts,
and I'm here to drink your eggnog and eat all of your Bugles. That
should be enough for you," I'd shove the yule log up their ass (NOTE:
Yule log is not a euphamism for my penis. Not this time around, at
least.) NEXT!!!!!

Run Rudolph Run
This song not only blows, it seems longer than it should be. You
already know how I feel about the whole Rudolph thing, so why is he
getting ANOTHER song dedicated to him?? Because of his RED NOSE? My, how
the tables are turned. Santa is now showing preference to one reindeer
because of the COLOR of his NOSE. What's wrong with the BLACK-NOSED
reindeer, huh, Santa?! What, does Rudy's red beak match the COMMUNIST
AGENDA behind your red suit, fat man?!
The lyrics also suck. The analogies about Rudolph running suck
("whizzing like a merry-go-round," etc.) And there's no reason why I
have to be reminded every time Santa puts in an order, that Rudolph is
going to run off and get it. Why is Rudolph becoming Santa's gofer,
anyway? "YOU WAN' SUM SUGER IN Y'COFFEE, MASSA SAN'NA??" This song
sucks.

Where Are You Christmas?
I love the Grinch, the new one. It's one of my favorite Christmas
movies. That being said, this song was a waste. First, it was sung by
the little girl in that movie. Am I to believe somebody of maybe six
years of age is capable of having a holiday midlife crisis?
And the radio version of the song is worse, because it offers random
resolution at the end just to keep the song positive. The singer first
has trouble finding Christmas, then goes on a generic diatribe about how
every day will be Christmas if you keep love in your heart (Except I
CAN'T HANG LIGHTS ALL OVER MY WALLS AND LISTEN TO KENNY G'S CHRISTMAS
ALBUM EVERY DAY OF THE YEAR, GENIUS) and then suddenly, "I found you,
Christmas!" This song sucks because it leads me into believing the song
relates to me, and then forces its positive message on me like I'm
supposed to be feeling that way now.

Basically any song by the Beach Boys.
Especially "The Man with all the Toys." Because whenever it plays at
work, all I can hear in the background is them shouting "BUHP!! BUHP!!
BUHP!! BUHP!!" I'm surprised these fuckers didn't sing Mele Kalikimaka
or Christmas Island, seeing as how they have such a hard-on for making
every song sound like something you'd be surfing to, anyway.

---

Have a wonderful holiday, fages. I'm off to go feed my dog more wine.

You're not getting a Wii for Christmas.

2007-12-23T11:15:00.000-07:00

The other day I went over to Walmart to pick up a present for my large,
dick-loving roommate. As I waited for the Santa Claus-looking cashier to
ring up my card, enter my ID into the system, and take a pint of my
blood, this haggard bitch saunters up next to me and sort of addresses
the clerk:

"WII."

The guy continued with my order, like he damn well should.

"WII."

He handed me my card back, still unaware of (or purposely ignoring) the
fat bint barking single syllables at him. Relentless, the lady continued
her barrage:

"WII. WII. WII. WII."

Finally, she popped a real question, sort of.

"YOU GUYS GOT ANY WIIS LEFT."

Now irritated, Santa Claus responded with a nice "no, we don't and we
won't be having any more until after the holidays."

"WELL HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO KNOW WHEN ANYBODY'S CARRYING IT, AM I JUST
SUPPOSED TO GO TO EACH STORE EVERY DAY AND--"

At this point, the bitch shut up from the impact of a flat screen TV
being smashed over her head. After she went down like a sack of rocks, I
started kicking her repeatedly in the stomach in tribute to the horrible
little brats she shat from her vagina.

As soon as I was finished with my pleasant day dream, I grew tired of
her whining and told her myself that the Wii is a hot-ticket item this
year and she has little hope of finding one this close to Christmas. "I
HAVE TO FIND ONE," she gurgled, "IT IS MY MISSION TO GET A WII THIS
YEAR."

Parents need to stop buckling to their kids' demands, especially when it
comes to a new video game system. Don't these assholes realize that by
buying their kid the newest system on the block, that they now open up
an entire new library of games their money-grubbing mini-Satans can ask
for?? Shit, it's even worse than when I was a kid. Back in the day I had
an 8-bit NES and my parents refused to plunk down $200 for the Super
NES, because I already had a game system they invested $50 a game in. I
had to save up and buy my own, and at that point the NES was to the
point where all that system was seeing was shitty 8-bit ports of even
shittier SNES action games, and Nintendo's last ditch efforts at
mascot-themed puzzle games. Wario's Woods?? It's a game about Wario, the
bizzaro Mario, fucking up some forest that Toad has to clean up with
bombs or whatever. Did anybody ever care about Wario? Or Toad for that
matter? Nobody ever played that fuck in Super Mario Bros. 2, because we
all cared more about jumping high or floating in the air than we did
picking weeds up faster.

Anyway, back when I got my SNES, the console "wars" consisted of Sega
churning out new hardware every month to make up for the fact that their
shitty games no longer were considered "superior" now that Nintendo made
a more high-tech system, and the TurboGrafx 16, that system your one
weird cousin owned that you could play Bonk's Adventure, and other
quirky titles that seemed neat at the time, but never enough to
encourage any of us to actually ask for a TurboGrafx. Plus, what was
with that name?? TurboGrafx16 sounds like some douchebag's AOL screen
name, chosen because he can make lens flares in Photoshop and thinks
he's a freelance graphics designer.

So for us Nintendo fans, game-buying graduated from one system to
another, making it easy on parents. Now? We have Sony, Microsoft and
Nintendo, and all of them have shit kids want. Back when households had,
on average, maybe one system per console generation, it was bad enough.
I can hardly imagine buying myself all of the games I want, let alone
making the time to play them.

When I have kids, I'm gonna make them earn- aw, hell, who am I kidding.
My kids won't be asking for any new consoles because I'd probably be
buying them for myself, anyway. Guess I'll just have to teach them
discipline the old fashioned way: by beating the shit out of them.

My dick is too small for me to pay for school on my own.

2007-12-14T22:32:00.001-07:00

I just registered for next semester, receiving a nice fat $808 tuition
bill. And it only gets worse as I progress.

On my way back from school, I stopped at the mall to pick up a new
Sidekick a friend of mine gave me money to go get for him, so he can
give it to his girlfriend so she can be happy for a few more weeks and
then dump him. On my way in to the T-mobile store, I saw a huge ad for
the Sidekick. It said:

...actually, I don't really know what it said because it was written
entirely in Spanish, or as I like to call it, NOT FUCKING ENGLISH. I
walked inside and saw a few employees chattering in spanish to each
other, one of them pausing briefly to greet me in English.

It got me thinking, there are scholarships created for Hispanics,
there's English as a Second Language courses at school - all of which
count towards English credits on my degree requisites, I might add -
there's even a really nice Mexican buffet across the street from my
school, to make lunch periods nice and easy.

And yet, here I am sweating the interest I'm gonna owe Sallie Mae on the
loan I had to take out because I make too much money to be elligible for
government aid (nevermind that money goes towards things like rent, my
car and maybe the occasional hooker. Not even that classy of a hooker,
either. I'm talking saggy beef curtains, people.)
Get the fuck out of my country. Our ancestors didn't "steal" the land
from the Indians and then hook them on alcohol and McDonalds so they
become too lethargic to take their land back just so we can have
National "Kill Whitey" Day every day of the year. Give me an "Oops, I
have a small dick" scholarship. I'd totally be on board with that. See,
I'm not so well-versed in the ways of makin' love because I'm more of a
grower than a show-er, so to keep bitches around I have to spend money
on them. Because of this, I'm often broke, and cannot afford the
education that I should be focusing on because I suck with girls. So
give me my Small Dick Scholarship Fund now, and fuck all the Mexicans.

Attn girls: stop dating mutants.

2007-12-14T02:42:00.000-07:00

I consider myself an attractive guy. I'm not "hot" and my body isn't
perfect. I'm pretty flabby, but not fat, I have a pretty cute face,
decent hair, and I'm fun to be around.

That being said, there should be no reason why I'm single while some
real goosecocks out there are tapping modest-looking ass that I wouldn't
mind waking up to every morning.
I'm not talking about the chicks with your usual tall, well-toned dudes
who look nice, either. I can understand girls find hot guys attractive,
as much as it makes my blood boil sometimes. What I am talking about are
the girls who avoid those guys and skip right over me for some of the
goofiest chuds on the planet.

I saw this dude the other day, walk in with his greasy fucking
cheek-length emo bangs (covering a colony of acne, no doubt) and a pair
of ugly girls' jeans that accentuated his wide guy-hips which tapered
down to his boney guy-ankles. It was as if he wanted to look like a
gender reassignment gone horribly wrong.
I suddenly hear "hey, I like your tight pants!" I look over and see this
girl, dark hair, looked a little "scene" but still pretty damn cute. She
thinks the fag wearing jeans she would have trouble fitting into is cute
enough to warrant a random compliment.

Then I see, from time to time, decent-looking chicks walking around with
chubby nerdy guys who look like they pride themselves in their Tier 6
decked out level 70 Troll Warrior when they aren't cackling over their
Naruto fan-subbed video collection. And I ask myself, "What is wrong
with these hoes?"

The problem with myself is I sit between niches. I ride the fence
between normal people, and nerdy fuckfaces. There are chicks who dig
normal - "hot" - guys, and chicks who dig anime-obsessed gamer dorks
whom they believe have a great personality. Myself, I am not hot, but
I'm hotter than the gamer goosecocks. I love video games, but do not run
my life by them. I also hate anime, but enjoy drawing in an
anime-inspired style from time to time. It sucks, it's like going out to
buy a sex toy. If you're a guy, you want a pocket-pussy, whereas chicks
want a nice vibrator. Nobody wants a device that can sort of stimulate
the clit while also providing an above-average cock massage at the same
time. This was probably one of the worst analogies I could ever come up
with.

My point is this: I hate people fatter and uglier and hairier than me. I
hate guys who are lanky and long-haired and nerdy and borderline-gothy
and pimple-ridden and pasty white and reserved. I hate them because they
somehow have managed to go from getting their buns taped together in the
high school locker room, to having more game than me.
So I must either shower less, play D&D more and gain more weight, or
lose weight, watch football and play drinking games with frat boys to
score an appropriate partner. Instead, I'm going with option C, spiting
everybody by remaining single until somebody better comes along, and in
the meantime kicking every girl who says I'm like a brother to her in
the vagina. This includes my own sister, for precaution. Plus she still
owes me money.

Want people to think you're smart? Become an atheist.

2007-12-08T01:57:00.001-07:00

I'm not going to be nice about it any more, atheists are some of the
most ignorant assholes in the world, ranked somewhere between
fundamentalist Christians and radical Muslims.

I will first add a little about where I stand. I am a Christian, who to
be frank, cannot stand many people of my own faith, for many reasons why
plenty of non-believers cannot stand them. However, just as I accept
there are good Christians among the many bad, I am still willing to
accept a handful of atheists are humble and decent, a courtesy many of
them would never return, which is why they're assholes.

I'm sick and fucking tired of these haughty, pseudo-philosophical cocks
acting like they have all the answers to life, when really all they are
doing is regurgitating the same tired ideas over and over. And it's said
that Christians do this! If I never hear "religion is an opiate for the
masses" one more time, it'll be TOO SOON.

The first reason I hate atheists is because they often feel they are
more intelligent and therefore, superior to others because they don't
believe in what they refer to as "fairy tales." Because apparently
belief in an afterlife makes you a head-in-the-clouds lunatic.

The second reason I hate atheists is because whenever I've debated one
on the existance of God, they couldn't pull their heads out of their
asses long enough to stop bashing Christianity so we could discuss the
basic idea of a higher power or not.
Atheists really have no argument against God's existance beyond one: "I
see no proof." Fine, that is a valid argument, which I won't bother
trying to disprove by bringing in people who have personally experienced
miracles in their lives because said "miracles" would then become
dismantled by a person who just doesn't WANT to believe.
So I offer a counter-argument, instead, "I see no proof that there ISN'T
A God." This is what triggers the mess of strawman arguments.

The most popular strawman is that of evolution, as I'm called an
ignoramus for saying "science doesn't exist" because I believe in God.
Nevermind that I believe God created science and that I accept evolution
could very well have been real (personally, I believe in Creation,
however.) I guess if the big bang theory is true, that means there is no
God? What? How does that work?? It couldn't be that there was a big
bang... caused by a higher power??
My main argument for my belief is that I cannot accept that our society,
our culture, our entire way of life down to the tiny details, is all one
huge godless coincidence. Even if we did evolve from single-celled
organisms, I find it even harder to believe there isn't any God, because
all that evolving was some seriously intricate shit. But don't lt that
ruin your hatred of Christians!

Next, I get the Crusades argument, regarding ALL THE BLOOD SHED IN THE
NAME OF GOD. OH NOOOOOO. What DIDN'T start wars in the past? If there
was no religion in the world at all, do you honestly think there'd be
no, or less war? Countries tried to kill each other all the time, in an
attempt to CONQUER. Along with conquering, came assimilation of new
cultures, including religion.
I'm not saying it's okay - it's a terrible thing, but it's a part of our
world's history.

After that, I get a treatment of the big one - the philosophy. This is
the part of the argument where I'm told how people who believe in God
only do so out of "fear" and because we don't want to go to hell. Man
invented God to control people, and laws are changed every hundred or so
years! Basically, I ask them to talk about the existance of God and
instead they want to sidetrack and bitch about the Catholic church. I'm
not Catholic, fuckfaces, so it doesn't offend me. What does offend me is
how fucking retarded atheists act while they try to make me feel
retarded by comparing my faith to belief in Santa Claus.
Again, I do not refute the manipulation of religion. However, corruption
violating a religion does not prove God doesn't exist, nor that man
"invented" Him, just that humanity in general is fucked up. And wouldn't
you know, one of the base beliefs behind the one religion atheists love
to piss on, is that humanity is fucked up, but God is willing to deal
with it if we ask forgiveness.

Then I get to hear about how everybody's going to hell if they don't
accept Christ. This has nothing to do with the existence of God, but
they love to bring it up anyway, for some reason.
The thing is, atheists hate when Christians try to witness and convert
peple, but are insulted by the "you're going to hell" idea. If it
bothers you so much, leave the missionaries alone. They're trying to fix
things, which is more than I can say for atheists, who do little beyond
persecuting those who think differently than them.

The whole thought that religious people are just believing out of fear
and weakness is the most offensive, and a dead giveaway about what a
bunch of fucking jitbags many atheists can be. Many of us believe in a
higher power because it makes sense to us, just as not believing makes
sense to them, but that wouldn't fit in with an atheist's viewpoint,
because then they might have to give us respect.

So I am hereby withdrawing my limited respect of atheists. If you don't
believe in God, I'm just gonna assume you're a piece of shit unless you
prove otherwise (you guys are all about proof, right? You'll
understand.) Not because you don't believe, but because for some reason,
disbelief in God somehow turns you an asshole.
Don't agree or approve? Then either stop acting like an asshole, or join
the ranks of assholes who DO believe in God. It's not gonna hurt you in
any way, and there are already plenty of God-fearing assholes to keep
you company.

I should know, I'm one of them.

Buying donuts is serious business.

2007-12-05T14:22:00.001-07:00

Seeing as how the majority of the a-holes who come into my store in the
morning can't (or won't) seem to get this shit right, I trust it's safe
to assume the town I work in isn't the only place in America inhabited
entirely by mongoloids. As such, I'm going to go over some rules and
regulations on buying donuts in the grocery store without being a giant
douchebag.

A dozen is twelve.
Don't break my balls with this "baker's dozen" shit. The king isn't
going to chop my head off if you count wrong, so fuck off. Fine, you
want thirteen? Take thirteen, I don't care, which leads to the next
step...

A dozen is not twenty two.
You fat fuck, you jammed all that shit in the box to the point where I
can count thirteen through the celophane alone. At Safeway, a dozen used
to be fourteen, until they realized they were actually making a
competitive bargain, or maybe they were afraid they were driving down
prices on donuts and the bakery mafia got on them. Who cares, it's not
fourteen any more and I will be charging you extra for that last donut.
Keep bitching and I won't honor the baker's dozen nonsense.

When asked how many donuts you have, there are answers other than
"twelve."
I'm serious. If you bought eighteen donuts, don't tell me you bought
twelve. I know it's really hard to remember for some reason, which is
why I will open the box and count them myself, in front of you, audibly
like a fucking Sesame Street episode. I will also wipe my nose before I
do it.

Do not wrap each donut individually.
What are you, eight? You don't want the pink frosting touching the brown
frosting? Don't feel like picking two sprinkles out of your Boston
Cream?? Those tiny sheets of blue plastic aren't there for you to
gift-wrap each of your donuts. They're there to prevent you from
spreading the anal all over the bakery. Damn it, Al Gore won't shut his
fucking mouth because of people like you have to encase your starchy
breakfast in plastic.

Do not put your donuts in a box if you're buying six.
Much like the sheets of plastic, the boxes are not your own personal
plaything. I've seen people buying ten donuts and putting five in a box
(each donut wrapped individually, of course.) Put them in fucking BAGS.

Use the boxes if you are buying a lot.
I don't want to get seven bags loaded with donuts, and then told there's
a dozen or so. Unfortunately, I get this every day because nobody around
here seemed to do good in their previous lives, because they all died
and came back as fucking annoying. I know you may think I'll take your
word for it if you stuff that shit in bags, but believe me, I can see
THROUGH THE BAGS.

Do not ask me to mark down day-old donuts.
Because I won't. I know, it's a catch-22, either we sell them or we
chuck them in an hour, but believe me when I say I'd rather watch the
mutant crows outside eat them rather than sell you cheap stale donuts
because you're too fucking cheap to buy them fresh.
Oh, and another thing. If you touch the donut and don't want it
afterwards, like say you tried to jew 18 out of me for the price of a
dozen and now those extra six aren't as important now that you have to
pay for them, I'm throwing them out and I'm doing it in front of you.
That's right, your dishonest cost the store money, but I would still
rather lose money to waste than lose it to ill-gotten gluttony.

They're called donuts.
Not "sweet rolls," "rolls," or "pastries." I've heard one lady call them
"bismarcks" while looking at me with a straight face. Well they're not
called that, either. They're called donuts, and it's been this way for
decades. Instead of hemming and hawing over what to call them, just use
the catch-all definition "donut." Also, I don't care what kind you got.
Maple bars, bearclaws, boston creme, I don't give a fuck. I use the same
PLU for them, because they all cost the fucking same.

There are no more donuts in "the back."
And no, we won't be making any more for the rest of the day. When you
come in at 1:30 in the afternoon expecting there to be an entire wrack
of the bismarcks you want, I'm going to classify you with the fuckfaces
who come in Sunday night at 8pm wondering what happened to the
newspaper.

As long as you can follow these easy-to-remember rules, we can have a
fun time at the grocery store. Unless you're old.

Family Guy is awful.

2007-12-05T00:41:00.000-07:00

I was sitting around watching TV tonight, waiting for the disappointing
season finale of Heroes to come on - by the way, thanks Writers Guild
for going on strike and punishing the rest of us because you're not
making enough money off of DVDs. I'm sure writing scripts for major
television shows, adored by millions upon millions, is causing you all
to live in poverty. Anyway, so I'm waiting for that, and the Charlie
Brown Christmas special so I can giggle at Snoopy reading a newspaper
while devouring a mound of bones for the 25th year in a row, and Family
Guy came on. I endured about two episodes of this garbage, followed by
the same shitty Subway commercial that's HAHALARIOUS because Peter does
that stupid laugh at the end. After all of this, I came to a conclusion
I come to every couple months or so:

Family Guy is a shitty tv show.

Now, I'm not so jaded as to say it's NOT FUNNY EVAR; I admit I do laugh
at it from time to time, but that's because at least half of every
episode consists of a series of cut scenes that aren't relevant to the
episode at all. The main characters usually aren't funny or even
interesting, requiring them to blurt out something outrageously
offensive in order for me to laugh. Overall, the show looks like it was
trying to rip off the Simpsons originally, but got carried away with the
non-sequiturs and ended up relying on those (as well as Stewie's OH SO
HILARIOUS evil personality) to turn a laugh. I love non-sequiturs and
all, but only when they're presented in a subtle manner, and not in a
way that shoves random humor down my throat every five seconds.

Sometimes Family Guy almost does this shit right, but then they still
fuck it up. In the one recent episode I saw, for instance, Brian is a
teacher for some reason, and he remarks in class about how he's so used
to living with an idiot. The show then cuts to a scene where Brian's
sitting on the couch while Peter announces he's creating an indoor
waterslide - by turning on a water hose at the top of the stairs and
tumbling down. See, this would've been hilarious, except they still
managed to take it too far. Peter falls down the stairs and screams in
agony, and then in usual Family Guy tradition ... proceeds to continue
screaming for another few seconds to the point where I'm tired of it.
Then Brian makes a remark about how Peter won't learn his lesson if
Brian calls the hospital. None of that shit was necessary.
In another almost-decent non-sequitur, Lois is shocked to realize they
left Meg at home, to which Peter replies that she has everything she
needs at home. Cut to Meg's room, where she's eating chips on her bed...
and then begins drinking from a gigantic hamster water bottle... and
then starts running on a gigantic hamster wheel. See, this was a little
too surreal, but it would have been okay if they cut it at the water
bottle. The scene would've been short enough to be funny; instead, they
drag the joke on to the point where I'm able to consider how nonsensical
the whole thing is. It's like Fozzie from Muppet Babies telling a joke,
repeating the punchline, and then shouting "GET IT? WAKKA WAKKA WAKKA!!"
Except I can't throw tomatoes at the hi-def television screen or else my
parents will get mad.

As for the plot of each episode, the plot could be decent enough to
write interesting and funny situations out of, except I can't really
imagine due to how distracting each episode is, and how boring the
characters are. Let's go down the line on each of them, shall we?

Peter - Homer Simpson, except fatter, more retarded, just as much of an
alcoholic (when it's convenient for the humor of an episode, of course,)
and not nearly as funny. The stupid trademark laugh of his isn't funny
and the pure idiocy surrounding the character is as aggrivating as an
entire episode of Seinfeld. The majority of Family Guy episodes would've
been cut to maybe three minutes each (if that) if they dumped all the
random jokes and just had Lois stop Peter from making whatever shitty
decision he makes. Issue arises with an intelligent option and an
asinine option, and Peter throws us for a loop by picking the stupid
option and causing the episode to spiral out of control. I GET IT, HE'S
AN IDIOT.

Lois - Marge Simpson merged with Fran Drescher. She's just there to
bounce jokes off of.

Meg - Whereas Lois has purpose in she's there to provide material for
Peter to be an idiot over, Meg almost isn't even in the show at all. I
guess it would seem weird to write a cartoon sitcom about a family
without a boy AND a girl, so they throw a few random jokes her way,
mostly to point out how useless and forgettable she is, ironically.

Chris - A fat, illogical, semi-retarded idiot. Apparently, Peter just
wasn't enough, so when we suffer Peter-withdrawal within the entire two
seconds he shuts his fucking mouth, we can have Chris ribbit about how
he likes food or farting or whatever. Genius!

Stewie - He's a baby who talks and for some reason is an evil genius.
This for some reason is supposed to be funny every episode, and opens a
window for infinite amounts of shitty Hot Topic merchandise. Because
Family Guy doesn't have enough random scenes and useless characters
saying random shit, we also get a baby who interjects every thought with
a snide comment and usually some mentioning of murder or world
domination. If he were just ripping on the characters and not rambling
about how evil he is, he'd be funnier, that is, if all the other
characters weren't so obviously flawed that the snide remarks don't even
need to be said.

Brian - A talking dog who insists on being an intellectualized human to
the point where I get so pissed off I want to draw gay violent furry
rape hentai. (Is there any other kind of furry hentai?) Brian makes no
sense whatsoever, and is just a pain in the ass because even though he's
probably the smartest in the family, he still makes enough stupid
decisions to make me want to draw gay viol- I already used that one,
didn't I? Unlike Stewie, who actually manages to make me smile once in a
while, Brian isn't funny at all. Instead, he's used in some episodes to
pull the plot along because the rest of the family isn't interesting
enough. And most of the time, it's a situation that is drawn out so
much, I sit and wonder why a dog is able to do what he's doing.
Like the aforementioned episode where Brian is a substitute teacher. If
he showed up in one scene to teach, it would be funny... or it could be,
I guess. Instead, the episode updates us on the woes of his teaching
career. Were Brian a human, none of this would matter. But because he's
an animal, somehow it's funny.

That's it. Oh, there's Cleveland, who's boring and has an annoying
voice, and Quagmire who is actually pretty funny. Why didn't they give
him his own show. It at least would have humor more relevant than Family
Guy's drawn out, interchangeable jokes. Like remember that time I went
into the Matrix and Hugo Weaving made me mow his lawn?

(Cut to the Matrix, where I am mowing Agent Smith's lawn.)
YES MR. ANDERSON, AS YOU CAN SEE, WE ALL HAVE PURPOSE, AND THIS IS
YOURS. IT IS PURPOSE THAT GUIDES US,

(Another Agent Smith) BINDS US,

(Another Agent Smith) DEFINES US, WAIT, YOU MISSED A SPOT. RIGHT THERE.

(Another Agent Smith) AND THERE.

(Another Agent Smith) THERE.

(Repeat for the next ten minutes.)

I shop at Walmart because I'm not a fucking douchebag.

2007-11-30T16:41:00.001-07:00

My roommate, in between his eight hour WoW sessions and flopping his
balls around in my room, turned me on to a new discovery in the art of
sangwiches: rye bread and really spicey condiments. Periodically, we
take turns going to Walmart and purchasing the goods we need for our
frequent sandwich parties. The products include Jewish Rye, Pepper
turkey, sun-dried tomato turkey, hard or genoa salami, chipotle cheese
and spicey mayonaise.

Today, here at my lovely place of employment, Safeway, I stand on my
lunchbreak, cursing myself for not owning a lunchbox. I really wanted
one of the sandwiches.
I head over to the deli to see what was available, and here's exactly
what my options were for coldcuts there: jack, and shit. Of all the
products I use at home, the only thing I found was pepper turkey. In
Safeway's defense, they DO stock the bread I wanted, but owing to
Safeway's policy of never stocking more than three of any one item, I
was shit-ass out. So I ordered a deli sandwich there, which I will admit
was gigantic for $3.99.

But I stand here and wonder how a company that discourages giving
Walmart business can stock such a small selection of products, and
charge so much for most of them. Walmart must have contained at least
2.5x as much stuff as Safeway did, judging from counter size alone.

So today, to thumb my nose at the brainless a-holes who can't seem to
fathom why Walmart is a boon to the lower-middle-class, I am making a
list of reasons why I love Walmart.

1. I don't give a flying fuck about small business.
Too often people paint this rosey picture of the "mom & pop" stores
being pushed into bankruptcy by the 800 pound gorilla. Because I guess
somewhere there's still Ye Olde General Shoppe, where you can pick up
your groceries and rub elbows with Tom McFeely, the owner-slash-cashier
as he gives your child a free lemon drop while pouring you a rootbeer
float at the soda fountain and sending an adorable little colored boy to
help you out with your bags.
No, sorry, not buying it. The only businesses being affected by Walmart
are the larger, but not AS large, corporations who want to drive up
prices and fuck their employees at the same time for maximum profit. And
if there's anybody I feel even less sorry for than small businesses,
it's envious corporations who are pissed that they can't be as
successful.
I'm not going to choose where I shop based solely on principle, unless
of course that principle is saving money. Killing Walmart and allowing
every company out there to overcharge people as much as they please
ruins my principle. And this brings me to my next reason for shopping at
Walmart...

2. I'm a big fan of saving money.
The coldcuts I talked about earlier? Cost me between $4 and $5 a pound. At Safeway? $6 to $8 a pound, unless I choose to get whatever is on sale that week. Tell me, why should I be so concerned about the life Walmart is supposedly sucking from communities when I'm dealing with the money competitors are sucking out of my butt-fucking wallet??
Walmart is actually criticized for undercutting competitors, and this idea is phrased in a negative light. Selling for less than someone else??! It's unheard of!! We must be rid of this capitalistic monstrosity!
While some are bold enough to simply say that we should thumb our nose at low prices because it's Walmart, others try to come up with excuses for why you shouldn't be "fooled," mainly that Walmart sells products that are (gasp!) cheaply-made, or (gasp!!!11) foreign!! It's incredible! The Double-Stuf Oreos I'm buying are somehow made crappier for Walmart, and are produced over in Bangladesh! This means Walmart is funding terrorism!!
Then I'll hear examples, like how somebody purchased an ironing board at Walmart, and it was made with cheaper parts than the same exact brand and model of ironing board sold at Target. Suddenly everybody's writing reviews for Consumer fucking Reports when it comes to Walmart.
Safeway also likes to make me watch videos on random shit like how Walmart injects their meat with water (NO!!!) or how they crop-dust their produce using liquefied ashes of the thousands of Jews they throw in their Sam's Choice Jewburn Ovens daily. These videos are used as an attempt at enabling us employees to spew senseless rhetoric whenever a smarmy customer tries to get fresh with us over how they can get the same cut of meat over at Walmart for $8 less. SAFEWAY, you see, uses 100% grain-fed Angus beef, aged exactly four days or whatever the standard is, and that's why they sell it for so much! Safeway also churns their chocolate by waterfall - no other company in the WORLD churns their chocolate by waterfall - it's the only way to make it JUST RIGHT.
Even if Walmart-produced products DO suck, it doesn't fucking matter to me. Purchasing Deli meat produced by an outside company, or brand-name groceries, or a computer game doesn't get me inferior quality, it just saves me some money.

3. I don't have to sign up for any bullshit club card.
I'm not one of those people who cringes at the thought of MR. SAFEWAY gazing into my bank account and trying to peep in my window because they noticed I purchased a box of condoms last night and they wanna get a nice show of my pastey white ass as I plow the living daylights out of whatever sow it is I'm currently wasting my time with. However, I am one of those people who are fucking lazy and don't feel like signing up for a card at every store I waltz into. Some stores will roll their eyes and key a courtesy number in for us. At Safeway, we're not allowed to do that, under penalty of termination. Not only does this upset customers, but it upsets me because I now have to put up with customers who are getting more pissed off than they should be over having to fill out a form for instant savings. I'm flip-flopping.
I don't have a problem with a company using my purchase info for stastics on sales in an area, and I don't think filling out a form to get a club card is that big of a deal. I just don't feel like I should really have to do that, because it's redundant. You're selling me a box of Cheez-its for a discounted price, so why do I have to scan a card that has no purpose beyond making the sale work? Why not just give everybody that sale? Either way, you're GETTING OUR MONEY.
Or, if these companies have such a hard-on for data-mining our purchases, give us the sales anyway, but allow us to use our club card for EXTRA-SPECIAL DEALZ, like buy five gallons of milk, and the sixth is free. That would make sense giving us a club card for that, because that's the only way you could track how much milk we bought.
At Walmart, I walk in, I buy my shit, I stare at the goofy illegal immigrents that walk by, chattering in Mexinese, and I take my shit home. It's simple.

4. I can get what I want.
Other than porn and many flavors of Ben & Jerry's (What the fuck, Walmart?!) what I want is usually at Walmart. The mayonaise I want is there. If I want lube so I can shove it in my pants and squirt it on my roommate's face so it looks like I just shot a huge of baby batter at him while shouting "DROPPIN' LOOOAADS!!!!" at the top of my lungs, I have over eighteen varieties and flavors to choose from. This is because Walmart is FUCKING HUGE and has the room to stock everything in the world. I seriously didn't even know they still made Frankenberry cereal until I started shopping there. And Booberry?! Holy shit, last time I saw that shit I was like, seven.
At other stores, I'm LUCKY if I'll see Count Chocula there.

5. I can be entertained by scads of fuckface shoppers, any time of day or night.
Sure, I can gawk at people anywhere, but Walmart is big enough for me to do it from a safe distance, and still be able to walk around without everybody being in my way. Plus, Walmart is open TWENTY-FOUR HOURS, meaning not only can I buy what I want when I want, but every other haggard fuck under the moon can crawl out of the woodwork and drag their gargantuan asses around there... in a handicap cart, of course.
There's a reason so many losers like to go to Walmart at 3 AM when they have nothing to do. Well, because they have no life and are probably stoned, but also because it's a great place to shop.

6. There's no Union.
How does this affect me as a shopper? See reason #2. Unions get involved, make a bunch of ridiculous demands that cost the company money, and then stand in the background and soak up union dues from the employees all the while doing absolutely nothing for the majority of them.
"But Walmart makes their workers PAY for their benefits!!!" So? I don't pay for my benefits at Safeway... but I do pay $10 a week in dues. And considering the Union does nothing else for me all year long, that's $40 a month going towards my benefits. What's that? I wouldn't get paid nearly as much as I do now if it weren't for the Union? Granted, I do make quite a lot of money where I'm at now, for working at a grocery store, but then the contract was "renegotiated" and all new hires make far less than I do and have no chance of ever reaching the rate of pay I make. I also make overtime for working Sundays, thanks to the union, right? Well now they somehow agreed to some demands Safeway made stating that a large portion of all Sunday hours must go to new-contract employees before anybody else gets to take them. This means the employees at the bottom of the seniority list (y'know, those who don't make extra for working sundays) get their Sundays assigned, and then the remaining few shifts available go to the employees at the TOP of the seniority list. What THIS means is I now get Sundays off, and indirectly lose out on a little extra money each week because UFCW is too busy picketing Walmart to actually get us a better contract like we used to have.
But I'm treated fairly, right? Unlike the poor, poor Walmart employees? I am treated fairly, because I'm a likeable person (despite how I come off on here.) But let's say you are treated poorly, and file a grievance? Whether it goes anywhere or not, do you think management will go "o shit were sry" and treat you right? Sorry, that's not how it works. You're now on their shitlist and they'll be writing you up for every infraction they can get away with, because after all, you're getting technical on them, so they will do the same with you.
Pro-union people operate under this misguided philosophy that no union = utter chaos. The Union is just a middleman between the employee and Human Resources, IF even that. Having no union doesn't mean there's no HR department. A company may not be unionized, but that doesn't mean they want to get sued or develop an awful turnover. If a manager fucks with you, you call HR and have things straightened out. Bam! No union!
But what about the stories we hear about, like women suing Walmart for unfair treatment? BOO-FUCKING-HOO. Let me tell you all a little logic about companies. The bigger the company, the more people employed. The more people employed, the higher chance some of them will be assholes. The more assholes in the company, the higher chance an infraction will be committed. Let's also understand that the bigger the company, usually the more money it's making, and the more successful a company is, the bigger of a target it is for lawsuits, frivelous or not. Suing Walmart for sexual discrimination doesn't mean Walmart is pro-discrimination. It doesn't even necessarily mean any discrimination has been committed at all, but assuming there is, you can rest assured that Walmart would be making good on all settlements and firing any employees involved in the discrimination. So it's a moot point.

Finally, I hear a lot about how Walmart employees are underpaid. As I pointed out above, the Union apparently has no say in wage, as Safeway lowered new-hires wages - including their pay ceiling - before we even got a new contract. They even tried to lower it a little more recently, before changing it back, after realizing nobody wants to bag groceries or push carts, let alone work a register, for $6.50 an hour these days. Walmart, from what I've heard from a few rather pleased employees, apparently has no pay ceiling at all. Fuck, and to think I'm not getting another raise unless I sell my soul to the management program.

Walmart is a great place to shop at, and from everything I've heard, a great place to work. I shop at Walmart because I have better things to do with my time and money, and because I have nothing to prove. It is my dream to some day fornicate inside of a Walmart - anally - as a means of homage to the company and its founders. I'd probably do it in the sporting goods department, as it would allow me to get away with a lot of hunting/fishing innuendo. NNNGH GET READY BABY 'CUZ I'M ABOUT TO FIRE A BUCKSHOT STRAIGHT UP YOUR ASS.

We have no cranberries today.

2007-11-21T20:19:00.000-07:00

It never ceases to amaze me how illogical some people can be. For
instance, would you go to the store the evening before Thanksgiving
looking for a very common Thanksgiving item (such as cranberries, or
marshmallows for your candy-ass-fucking-yams) and then become very
frustrated and shocked to find it all gone?

If you answered "No, because it's the night before Thanksgiving" then
congratulations on not being a fuckface. Otherwise, you have earned my
shame.

There are actually people who get mad that the grocery store didn't
carry "enough" of a certain product right at the dawn of Thanksgiving.
These are people whom I've seen at the store THANKSGIVING DAY
bullshitting about how there isn't a very good selection of turkeys
left. Believe it or not, these people will say shit about it, WITHOUT
smacking themselves in the face immediately afterwards for being such
stupid pricks. Thanksgiving Day and no turkeys?! Why, how could they NOT
have any turkeys! It's Thanksgiving!!

Then there are the people who buy three metric shit-tons of stuffing or
pie filling and ask if that's all that's left. I bet these people were a
blast buying Christmas presents for in their childhood. Let me give
everybody some advice on shopping: if an item you are looking for is out
of stock, don't waste time asking if there's any left. No, they don't
keep a secret stash "in the back" waiting for people like you. Whatever
they get, goes on the shelf. They do this because they get shipments in
every night and only order enough to fill the shelf. Do not get outraged
when you are told there's none left. They did order enough, you just
procrastinated too much. Grocery stores hate backstock, because it's a
waste of money and space, and they aren't going to order crates more
just because you and your bridge club both agreed the Safeway down the
street doesn't carry enough Vernor's Diet Ginger Ale.

Also, it's not called "Safeway's." I know it's oh so hard to keep track
what with stores with names like "Fry's," and "Bashas" and "Albertson's"
but there's a simple trick to figure out whether you add a possessive
plural to a business name: shop with your eyes open. The name is all
over the place, and there is no apostrophe-s attached, is there??

I need to go eat an entire pumpkin pie and sob to myself.

Fuck Subway

2007-11-21T15:35:00.001-07:00

I'm sitting here at Subway because my fuckin' boss can't be bothered to
refresh the Thanksgiving spread we had in the breakroom, and I hate it
here.

First of all, I hate the employees here. You'd think a job that allows
you to sit in an empty room half the day, wear a piercing and text
message while you hand your metrosexual queer friends free drinks would
make these whores smile more. And yet I walk in, greet the chick here
and smile, and I get a full out frown. After a few seconds of silence,
I'm finally asked what I would like. I would like you to smile, bitch.
The only time I want to see a girl scowl at me like that is when she's
fellating me.

Then I get to hear their shitty conversations with the stoner faggots
who walk in, feeling bad that I have to interrupt to ask for some pepper
jack on my fucking cheese steak. I accept nobody WANTS to be at work,
but could they make it any less obvious? This asshole standing next to
me right now is joking about his magic box who talks to him in different
voices, like he's cute. What's with these morons always joking about how
they hear voices? There are a lot of mental conditions that are
hilarious, but Schizophrenia isn't one of them. The only time I laughed
during A Beautiful Mind was when Russel Crowe's wife had a spaz attack
in the bathroom because he wouldn't let her give him a reach-around. The
only time Schizophrenia would be funny is if the voice talking to you
sounds like Bill Cosby. Or The Walken. Shit, if I could hear Christopher
Walken talking to me all day, I'd never get married.

What I hate even more are the other backwards-ass fuckfaces who eat at
Subway. Like the yuppie in front of me every time, who has to order
three footlongs, each with different things on a different half. And
it's not just "olives on one half, no olives on the other." No, it's
gotta be the most elaborate concoction of condiments known to man. Sweet
onion, vinegar, salt & pepper, and yellow peppers on one half, then the
same thing on the other, only light on the olives, and add just a DASH
of mayonaise. Fuck you.

And I really hate the questions "Y'GOT ANY SPECIALS??" Naw nigga we
ain't got no specials. Subway plasters shit all over the restaurant for
a reason, so you can ignore it and ask the chick with the chin piercing
obvious fucking questions. Have some scruples, seriously, and order what
you like. I always hated that, at McDonalds for instance, the assholes
who order two Big Macs because they're two for two dollars. You don't
need two Big Macs.

Then I get to leave Subway and wade through the crowd of 14 year olds
who love to pretend they're Jay and Silent Bob and hang out with their
skateboards in front of the store. I realize standing in one place all
day and exchanging cigarettes and loud vulgarities seems like a lot of
fun, but have these kids even finished their homework? It's call
prioritizing, kids! And if that's not enough, they have to write shit on
the walls. Never anything funny, either, just "SMOKE POT" or "FUCK YOU."
Fuck ME?? No, fuck U bro.

I really wish my boss would have brought some fucking turkey back, like
I asked him to. Then I'd be writing about how much I hate old people.

Looking to get a lot of attention? Have a baby.

2007-11-09T09:11:00.000-07:00

I'm not the most hardcore anti-abortion guy around. I don't agree with it exactly, but I guess I understand why some people go through with it. That being said, I hate abortion. Not so much because it's murder, but because it's the reason why it's now considered respectable to pop out a bastard child and be a single mother.

I'll hear about how admirable it is that so-and-so is taking up the reigns of parenthood and showing responsibility and all of that. Yeah, it's great, isn't it? It's great when girls "forget" to take their pill, or allow (or even encourage) their partner to not use a condom. It's wonderful when girls are fucking guys they don't know very well (because if they did, they'd have these dudes pegged as not proper parenting material and maybe think twice about things.) It's awesome when girls can barely afford to support themselves and have to leave yet another burden on their parents, or worse. How terrific it will be, raising a child alone, hating their own father and growing up with a clingy mother with a rejection complex who continues bringing home new guys in hopes of finding a new daddy. Doesn't sound so hot now, does it?

I'm not saying you SHOULDN'T raise the kid, there's just nothing to be proud of. It's like praising the guy at Subway for wearing gloves while he makes your sandwich. He's supposed to do that, but that doesn't make him any less of a loser for working at Subway.

What I really hate are the girls who specifically want to have a baby. A girl can say "I wanna have kids some day" and be fine. It's the dreaded phrase "I want to have a baby" that you should run from, because you could replace the word "baby" with "puppy" and invoke the same feeling from her.

Then if you work with any of these chicks, expect to see tons of baby pictures and hear story after story about what the kid did now. It's years of attention for girls not interesting enough to hold onto anybody's interest without having to flash her tits! All you have to do is completely destroy your own life and condemn the life you brought into this world. Sadly, plenty of girls are willing to do just that.

It's okay to use modern technology, fags.

2007-10-28T19:22:00.000-07:00

I decided to sign onto my personal AIM account for a change, because I was feeling an urge to look at the away messages of all 56 different people who remain signed on 24/7 but never fucking message me.

One of these people, had a link to this shit. For those of you who don't feel like clicking links on a blog (I don't blame you) I'll tell you what it is: A text-based AIM client. That's right, if you're the kind of person who feels the need to use UNIX to make some sort of social statement, or just have a moral obligation to use a mouse as least as possible (and your ALT and TAB keys just don't work) these fuckfaces have a new toy for you!

People who like this shit will tell you that they can save so much time by just using keystrokes, or that they use less RAM, or they don't need any sort of graphical fluff to weigh down their computing experience. They're all assholes. When I furnish my house, I'm going to put a tiny black-and-white television in my living room and make people who come over watch DVDs on it, and then make a bunch of comments vaguely insinuting how superior I am for not requiring all the "bells and whistles" of color plasma HD. Then I'm going to not have sex ever again because I don't need the extravagancies of another woman nearby to satisfy my urges. (Don't have to buy my hand dinner, after all!) I'm also going to get the radio removed from my car and just keep a portable Walkman with some tiny speakers hooked to it, because after all, I don't really NEED a stereo or decent speakers to listen to my music.

Stop trying to go out of your way to be cool. And while you're at it, if you really want to make a social statement, stop using AIM, stop using MySpace, and don't send text messages to anybody. Then you'll be really cool, and more importantly, I'll be even less likely to have to talk to you.

Dumbledore? More like... CUMblemore!

2007-10-28T18:21:00.000-07:00

(Honestly, that's all I have to work with for a good gay pun.)

So the jig is up, the goose is loose, Dumbledore is gay.

Or so says the lady who wrote him.

Not too long ago, J. K. Rowling made the startling revelation that the world's most accomplished wizard loves the dick. Apparently, back in the day, good ol' Albus had a bit of a crush on a certain Gellert Grindelwald, who would eventually rise and become the world's darkest of dark wizards. Prior to Voldemort, of course.

My faith in Rowling has dropped.

This isn't one of those rants bitching about how a character I likd turned out to be a fag. Yeah, I'd prefer a straight Dumbledore if I had a choice, because I'm not afraid to upset the pansy bleeding-hearts out there who want to stamp the "HATEMONGER" label on any hetero who so much suggests they prefer their own orientation over the alternative. This isn't about that, in fact, his sexuality is such a non-issue in the books that this doesn't even BOTHER me.

And that's my point: This revelation has absolutely zero effect on the story, so why make this revelation at all? I could reread the books front to back and get nothing out of it beyond "so THAT'S why he likes knitting patterns!" If this was so important, at least hint at it. Deathly Hallows had a book in it exposing Dumbledore's past, for fuck's sake! AND and entire chapter dedicated to Harry getting to ask him even more questions. Ample opportunity! Instead, Rowling wants to make smart-assed comments like "DUHHH WHY WOULD I GO SPOILING THAT IN BOOK 1??" Nobody asked you to put it in book 1, douche! Just actually write what you meant to write, and stop periodically updating us on what color sheets Hermione got plowed on by Harry's fat engorgio'd cock this week!

I'll be honest: I think the Dumbledore hearts Grindelwald idea would have been a neat twist, even if it does appeal to the fanfic perverts out there (While I'm being honest, is it just me or did the final chapter sound like she held a WRITE THE LAST HARRY POTTER CHAPTER contest?) If it was written into the story, no matter how lightly, I'd be okay with it.

I really don't care how Rowling envisioned her characters, because I figure any envisioning that was worth me knowing would be in the books. She either made this shit up to get more coverage, or she WAS planning it all along and just didn't want to risk any more controversy over a bunch of school children being lead by a creepy old gay. In which case, she's not championing any sort of cause of tolerance. She even said she was surprised by the positive reaction to this announcement. Yeah, way to go, spreading tolerance via a hidden character trait not even mentioned in the book, and then being too afraid to announce it until after the entire series has sold millions of copies. And why does this message matter, anyway? The books are about a group of magical Nazis trying to get rid of magical a certain group of people. I think we understand you want us to be tolerant, Rowling.

People who endorse hemp are morons.

2007-10-20T21:43:00.000-07:00

This asshole I work with decided to throw a random hemp fact at me the other day. "Did you know," he mumbled, "that the Declaration of Independence was made out of hemp?"
I pretended I couldn't understand him, as I usually can't owing to his huge tongue getting in the way of every other word.

When are you fuckers gonna get it through your skull that I don't give a flying fuck about the wonders of hemp? It feels like I'm being witnessed to for fuck's sake. Wow, we can make rope out of it?? Holy shit, because who doesn't need more rope! And paper! Just in case we run out of trees and stop recycling! And fuel! I admit fuel would be nice, but there are already even more efficient technologies out there in development. I don't care if hemp products are legal, nor do I care if it's illegal. And seriously, neither do any of you.

I probably hear it a lot since everybody who knows me knows how anti-pot I am (and if you comment or email me asking my stance on it, I'm deleting your shit and burning your house down. I have a surplus of idiocy to deal with on a daily basis without the "POT IS BETTER THAN BEER" crowd) but for some reason, it's the potheads who praise the glories of hemp, as you can tell from their shitty hemp hippy necklaces. I guess in all of their absense of bran cells, they hold onto this delusion that legalizing hemp is the next step towards legalizing pot.

This is why you will never see a Green Party candidate in office. The second he mentions the words "legalize" and "hemp" in the same sentence, every anti-pot ignoramus will oppose him, and everybody who would vote for him would be too stoned to remember to go vote.

It all sort of reminds me of the medical marijuana argument curiously touted by more people than those who would actually be affected by it. Except at least then you fucks can find loopholes to score some weed. Hemp won't do shit.

Add: Headache.

2007-10-16T19:15:00.000-07:00

I find myself desiring a PSP for the sole purpose of getting Final Fantasy Tactics for it. Maybe I will ask Santa for one this year.

Speaking of unnecessary electronic gadgets I really don't need, I am moderately satisfied with my T-mobile Dash. That being said, the keyboard is kind of annoying, the Windows Mobile interface isn't nearly as friendly as the MDA's, and no touchscreen means no highlighting or copying and pasting shit. And I can forget about googling fake images of Emma Watson nude on my breaks anymore because I can't hold down on the screen and save images any longer. On the bright side, the screen, web browser, and camera are nicer... I think.

Without evil there would be no terrorism.

2007-10-12T17:12:00.000-07:00

Writing from my new T-mobile Dash; I'll talk more about that later.

In my Creative Writing class last night, they briefly touched upon the age-old theory that you cannot have good without evil. I'm very tired of this bullshit argument.

Brought upon usually by angsty fuckfaces who use the argument to subtly hint at how deranged they want you to think they are, "good without evil" insinuates that we cannot form a basis of "good" without creating an opposite set of morals - "evil." Granted, logically this makes sense and I do not refute it, rather, I'm merely pointing out how overrated this topic of discussion is. Great, you know how to sound cocky and intelligent regurgitating philosophical catch-phrases whenever somebody talks about terrorism or the Middle East. What's the point in even saying that?? Now I guess we're supposed to draw some conclusion that the supposed good guys brought this upon themselves? Or just that society in general is fucked?

That would be another well-thought and original idea these creative assholes come up with: that our society sucks and we're destroying everything. It's so easy to toss around frivolous controversial phrases like "God is empty" and "humans are parasites" that the sheer pretentiousness of these fucks is enough to make the world about one Nine Inch Nails song away from enveloping itself in one massive black hole of angst. Hey, why don't I market that as a philosophy and try to sound smart?

You can have good without evil, you dipshits. Oh sure, if you want to break balls over it, you can say the IDEA of good can't exist without the IDEA of evil, but who the fuck cares?? These people love to go on about maintaining a "balance" of the two ideals, as if things will go horribly out of whack if we suddenly have a surplus of people who want to be Batman. And who doesn't want to be Batman?

Stop trying to act smart and just be smart. Stop wearing ratty clothes you tore holes in on purpose. Take down the stupid posters you have of caterpillars smoking hookahs on a mushroom. Stop doing drugs. Say things that are worth hearing, instead of random musings that make you sound like a fucking stoner. Read books, research shit you don't know about. Hell, go to school for something other than philosophy or world religion or whatever shitty class you take to feel like you're cool for taking. Not like I'm one to talk; I'm the fag who's enrolled in Creative Writing.

Tablature

2007-10-09T09:45:00.000-07:00

I'm not sure exactly when I had the interest this week, whether it was listening to my friend talking about music, or watching the bass player of Camp Courageous playing at the They Might Be Giants concert I attended recently in Tucson, but something made me decide I wanted to practice my bass again. Plus, as I get better, I can jam out with Josh Slayer sometimes - he plays the drums.

So I went to my parents' house the other night, and got my bass and amp back, then came back here to look up some TMBG tabs (since those songs are the most I'm familliar with.) I'm gonna stop writing right now, because I just woke up and I'm too groggy to be entertaining at all.

Smoke my big fat cock.

2007-10-08T16:09:00.001-07:00

I have never smoked a day in my life, and I don't plan on it. Is it because of the health problems that are associated? Well, yeah. The addictive nature of tobacco? Sure, that too. The insane monetary price attached to smoking? Lord knows I'd have a hard time affording condoms and lube for my toilet-paper-tube masturbatory habits if I were smoking. The main reason I do not smoke, however, is because it makes me better than you.

Smokers are some of the most ignorant, self-centered fucks on the planet. As a non-smoker, I am ... well, less ignorant and self-centered usually.

Not too long ago, they passed a law in Arizona, banning smoking in all bars and restaurants. This bill was met with such harsh opposition, you'd think it was President Bush endorsing it. What was their argument for it? "CUZ THE BIZZNES ONER SHLD B ABEL 2 DSIDE IF TEWHY
CNA ALOW SMOKIGN OR NOT." Phoenicians (that's the fancy term for "Illegal Immigrants") had the nerve to pull the Choice Card when it came down to a simple matter of whether we should be allowed to pollute each other's air or not. This angle is used anytime an otherwise decent argument is made for banning something. If you continued arguing, I'm sure a few of them would start recycling more pro-abortion arguments, a la "We have the right to choose what we do to our body" and of course, "FUCK REPUBLICANS."

Of course, it would make sense, right? Business owners allow smoking if they want, and if you don't like it, you can git ur drink awn somewhere else. Except we'd be hard pressed to find a non-smoking bar owing to a good portion of drinkers enjoying breathing in carsinogens
all night long. Then you have to think about what kind of business a non-smoking bar would get when standing up against all of the pro-smoking bars. Next to none, possibly pushing these bars out of business.

But the majority should have their way, right? Sure! Never mind how the majority demands a right that encroaches upon the rights of the minority! No, the non-smokers should just accept this lifestyle and breathe it all in, causing gradual damage to their lungs, or just not go to a bar! Deal with it, non-smokers! You're drinking alcohol anyway, right?

This is the sort of attitude I've born witness to. I should do whatever it takes to get around this bad habit, or just endure it. Anything but expecting somebody to put their fucking PACKA REDZ down long enough to do something else with their lives.

No, I don't want to breathe your sidestream smoke in while I'm eating. I don't want to walk outside every five minutes to accompany your shitty habit. I don't want you opening the passenger window frequently to hold your filthy cancer stick out, causing me to freeze or sweat my ass off and miss whatever smooth jazz I'm playing in the car. I'm going to enjoy what I'm doing, without smoking, because I'm better than you. Even if it is getting drunk.

Rip off the deathly legs of the cricket of my love

2007-10-07T11:59:00.001-07:00

Not too terribly long ago, we had a slight infestation of crickets upon us. By "slight" I mean, imagine coming home from a long day of work and entering your room only to see a couple of crickets crawling out and congregating around your ceiling fire sprinkler, only to divebomb to the ground like a gosh-damned magic show. Only instead of applause you hear me or Matthew crying out like a little girl when one lands in our hair.

And they were pathetic. These little fuckers would have the nerve to go parasailing out of the very few orifices in our ceiling, twice a day, and then falling to my bathroom floor and breaking their little jitbag legs off. Then I have to step out of my shower and bear witness to two or three of them attempting to crawl around sans most of their limbs, or just sit there waiting for death as they use their remaining arm to do impressions of Anakin Skywalker shortly before he got burned to shit for loving too much or whatever. Just for fun, to be vindictive, I like to shout "IT'S OVER, ANAKIN! I'VE GOT THE HIGH GROUND!!" right before landing a well-placed deathblow to their insect jugular with my fucking flip-flop. Or I just make Matthew do it while
I stand on a chair and shriek like a dental drill.

Anyway, there's this girl I've been seeing whom I'm having over today, and I wanted to make the best of things, so I decided my living quarters deserved a well-deserved cleaning. I also decided to move my bed, so next time I'm taking the trolley to the Magic Kingdom, people who walk by my window will only see my ass and her toes curling. Currently they see too much of my balls and about enough of her ball-gag.

So I move my night stand over, because the first step towards moving a bed is to get shit out of the way. The second step, I soon found out, was clearing out the CRICKET CEMETARY they had erected to honor their ancestral spirits underneath my nightstand. It was disgusting; almost as if my room became their final destination before death. What kind of ratty culture does that? "Now kids, your grandfather is very old, so we'll be taking him to the aquaduct to throw down the sprinkler, where he will then break his legs and have to crawl his way across the great carpeted barrens and join his brethren in death."
Honestly, the whole thing sounds like a shitty HIM song.

Mobile Blogging! (4 FAGS)

2007-09-24T15:45:00.001-07:00

Blogging is gay. It's even more gay when done from a mobile phone. I'm
posting from my phone just to blog the thought of mine on how gay
blogging from a phone is.

Thank you.